I just flew in from Coarsegold... ...and, boy, are my arms tired!
I told my doctor my sex life was boring. He said 'You need to add the element of surprise. Go right home this afternoon, grab your wife, and immediately make love to her, no matter what she's doing.' So I did! It was still the same old boring stuff; but her bridge club got a tremendous kick out of it!!
You know how I can tell when my wife has an orgasm? She drops her nail file!!
My wife is so ugly... the picture of her in my wallet is an X-ray!
I told my psychiatrist 'Nobody pays any attention to me.' He looks at me and says, 'When did you get here?'
Didja hear about the clumsy female lawyer? She dropped her briefs!
A man walks into a doctor's office with a frog on his head. The doctor says, 'May I help you?' The frog says, 'Yeah, doc, take this wart off my ass!
Did you hear about the new, chocolate-flavored, contraceptive, breakfast drink? It's called Ovumteen.
My secretary is both ambitious and horny. Today she asked me for a salary on next week's advance.
Down the street there's a new, live gay sex show. It's called 'Anus and Andy.'
Have ya seen that new R-rated movie about midgets. It features full runtal nudity.
My uncle is a hit man for the Mob. What a great job! He only goes to work when it's time to knock off.
My brother just moved to San Francisco. He was really lonely when he lived here, but now he's up to his ass in friends!
When I got married I asked my bride, 'Do you perform fellatio?' She says it depends on the fella.
Have you been by the wedding chapel next door? They've got this impotent flasher out front. We just call him our 'public futility.'
I hear the pimp at Lefty's won't let his girls perform oral sex. They call him the 'Headless Whoresman.'
What do lesbians like most about their kind of sex? Tastes great. Less filling. Tastes great! Less filling!
Why don't sharks attack divorce lawyers? Professional courtesy.
My wife and I have a new system: if she wants sex, she reaches over and strokes me once. If she doesn't, she reaches over and strokes me 300 times.
My son just got kicked out of his co-ed college boarding house. He got caught spreading roomers.
My daughter came home from school today and tells me, 'Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin.' I said, 'Who wants a fluffy martini?'
The shop teacher asked the high school girl if she knew the difference between a screw, a nail and a bolt. She told him she'd never been bolted.
Have you heard about the new urologist's training film? It's called, 'E.T., the Extra Testicle.'
Have you heard about the new film for marching band musicians? It's called, 'Desperately Seeking Sousa.'
My son has a problem with compulsive masturbation. His psychiatrist says he's gone completely whacky.
My grandpa, the farmer, finally got himself one of those latex ladies. I heard him singing about it the other day: 'The farmer in the doll, the farmer in the doll...'
Our local inventor just came up with a new, vibrating tampon. He says if women have to be miserable once a month, they might as well enjoy it.
My wife just loves going to the movies to watch teenagers get laid for the first time. Sometimes, she even watches the screen!
I asked my wife, 'How come you never tell me when you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Cause you're never around!
My wife just loves to experiment. Last week she mixed speed with her Midol. She had her period six times in one day!
My wife is a lot like Halley's Comet. They both come once every 76 years!
My son is becoming a real computer wiz! His teacher called him a 'master byter.'
My uncle, the inventor, crossed a cucumber with a Mexican jumping bean. He calls it the world's first organic vibrator!
Last week, I got arrested by a female cop. She asked me, 'Are you carrying a concealed weapon?' I replied, 'Keep frisking me, and I soon will be!'
My best sexual encounter was in the South Sea Islands... I pushed a volcano into a virgin!
Didja hear about the copier company that bought out a musical instrument maker? They're gonna market a new, reproductive organ!