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You May Need to
Buy a New Car if…

A car exactly like yours is a featured display in your local museum.

Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

Instead of an airbag, you taped a whoopee cushion to your steering wheel.

It bears a plaque stating it was the first car ever driven by land speed record breaker Barney Goldfield.

You lose a stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.

As you drive by, people yell, “Get a horse!”

Your tires are so thin they’re translucent.

Instead of an emergency brake, you put your leg through a hole in the floorboard and drag your foot.

Every time you go over a speed bump, the engine falls out.

Your last repair bill was approximately the GDP of a small African nation.

A 15 minute Jiffy Lube takes three days.

You can’t find a replacement “Spark Adjustment” lever.

Thieves break into it just to steal your “Club.”

Your mechanic asks, “Shall I re-duct-tape your windshield?”

They just don’t make replacement running boards like they used to.

Your “Super-Heterodyne radio” keeps drifting off signal.

As you leave the parking lot after the County Fair Demolition Derby, a salvage dealer offers you “$50 for the carcass.”

People use the word “Phaeton” when referring to its body style.

Two words: Ford Edsel.

After your last fender bender, your insurance adjuster stamped your title, “Totaled.”

Your 84-year-old Mom’s car is sportier.

While waiting at a stop light, people ask you if anyone was hurt.

You now settle for sitting in the driveway making “vroom, vroom” noises.

You keep losing dates on left turns.

The ashtrays are full.

The novelty has worn off of starting it with a hand crank.

The duct tape on your right front fender needs replacing… again!

It hasn’t driven the same since “The” Henry Ford borrowed it.

Your gas gauge measures in cubits.