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You May Be Gay if…

You don’t care who sleeps with Julia Roberts.

You know the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.

You can call anyone “honey,” including pets.

You know someone who was in that emergency room with Richard Gere and his gerbil.

You understand the importance of good lighting.

You can be in a crowded disco the size of two football fields and instantly spot a toupee.

You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and actually mean her bathing suit.

You can explain the nuances between a steady date, a boy friend, and a lover.

You really have “been there, done that.”

Your female friends tell you everything about their boyfriends and that means everything!

You say “fabulous.”

Your home has naked pictures of men you don’t know.

Your home has naked men you don’t know.

You can handle a telephone like a Stradivarius.

You understand why God invented Spandex. And why He didn’t intend everyone to wear it.

You know how to get back at just about everyone.

You can smile to let someone know you hate them.

You’re pals with women that other people can’t stand.

You’ve always got an opinion. About everything.

You’ve read the book, seen the movie, and done nthe musical.

You know how to dress strategically.

Your car has an amusing female name.

You look better at your high school reunion than you did in high school.

You have more than one framed pet photo.

You know that sex complicates things. So?

You know that being called a “cheap slut” is not an insult.

There’s a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.

No one tells you what to do in bed... unless you tell them what to tell you.

Your medicine chest is ready for any occasion.

You own more than one movie musical video.

You’re not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.

You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade.

You know how to make an entrance and when to make an exit.

You worry about people you don’t even know — like Liza Minnelli.

Your cologne collection shames Bloomingdale's.

Some of your best friends are your ex-lovers.

You know when to play dumb.

You know what to do for a hangover.

Yes, you do have a condom.

You’ve called someone “girl friend” who is neither a girl nor a friend.

You can supply the last names of Bernadette, Chita, Barbra.

You made Donna Summer a star.

You made Donna Summer an ex-star.

They know you at the tanning salon.

You’ve consider sunbathing a performance art.

You know when the party’s over.

You know where to go after the party’s over.

You’re fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.

You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.

Your roommate is your roommate and not your “roommate.”

You know that referring to someone as “a real lady” is not necessarily a compliment.

Your favorite dinner accessory is your dinner companion.

You know that the most important part of a party’s decor is the catering staff.

You're certain your cat is a lesbian.

You heartily sing along with songs that make women cringe, like “Stand By Your Man.”

You’ve been to a bris, a bar mitzvah, a christening, a first communion, and too many weddings and after each you gave a carefully-considered evaluation of the food.

You never hear your mother complain about your wife.

A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical.

Your favorite Disney character is one of the nasty ones.

You’ve left someone totally speechless.

You’ve shaved something other than your face.

All your friends do not have to “get along.”

You have large collection of anniversary pictures — with different guys.

Your love handles are actually used as such.

When someone turns his back on you, you consider it an opportunity.

You own a movie-star biography.

You have interesting coffee table books.

You know where to flind a meat rack and it's not in your kitchen drawer.

Your sexual persuasion has its own flag.

You've ever dreamed of having back-up singers.

You know your enemies.

After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And there he is, right there in the shower.

You’re Barbra Streisand’s second biggest fan, after Barbra Streisand.

You've added spice to your life – and sometimes, side dishes.

You make “small talk” about spirituality or politics and know an "important issue" can be hair.

You’ve lived out some of your fantasies.

Unlike straight women, you have no problem being treated as a sex object.

You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.

You know, by heart, every line in All about Eve, Steel Magnolias, and your face.

You are always ready for your close-up.

You have 9,412 ways to tell someone to get lost, 8,136 of which are non-verbal.

You can lip-sync at least one Supremes song.

You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.

Even when you are in Kansas, you’re not in Kansas any more.

You know exactly how many martinis it takes.

You know how to put out quite a spread at a party… and sometimes after the party, too.