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You May Be a Redneck if…

many by Jeff Foxworthy, I bet

(in alphabetical order)

A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.

After making love, you ask your date to roll down the window.

After your dog passed gas, you claimed it.

All of your four-letter words are two syllables.

An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.

At least one of your kids was born on a pool table.

Bikers back down from your momma.

Birds are attracted to your beard.

Directions to your house include “turn off the paved road.”

During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.

Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

Fifth grade was the best four years of your life.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Going to the bathroom late at night involves pulling on boots and a flashlight.

In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.

In high school you dated your daddy’s current wife.

In tough situations you ask yourself, “What would Curly do?”

It’s easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

Jack Daniels is on your list of “most admired people.”

Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

More than half the vehicles you own are pickups.

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

Most of your clothes have logos.

Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

None of your shirts cover your stomach.

On jury duty you acquitted the defendant for murdering his wife just because she threw out his Elvis 45’s.

On stag night, you take a real deer.

On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

People are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe.

People hear your car long before they see it.

Red Man sends you a Christmas card.

Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

Somebody tells you that you’ve got something in your teeth, so you take them out to see what it is!

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

Someone in your family died right after saying, “Hey, guys, watch this.”

Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.

That billboard that says “just say no to crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.

The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.

The ASPCA raids your kitchen.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.

The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.

The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.

The dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?”

The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.

The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is, “What’re you looking at, Shithead?”

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

The one what hangs ‘round over yonder, back’ah Bubba’s barn...”

The people on Jerry Springer remind you of your neighbors.

The primary color of your car is Bondo.

The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.

The receptionist checks the rattraps at your place of business.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

The same pair of boots has been in your family for three generations and they’re only ten years old.

The strongest smell in your house is butane.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

The tobacco chewers in your family aren’t just men.

The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.

There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

There are more fish on your wall than pictures.

There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

There is a wasp nest in your living room.

There is more oil in your cap than in your car.

When any of your kids were born, you were shooting pool.

When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.

When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

You are an expert on worm beds.

You are moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing “I Will Always Love You.”

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You are still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

You are turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.

You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

You bring your dog to work with you.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You call your boss “dude.”

You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

You can belch your name.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

You can’t marry your sweetheart because there are laws against it.

You can’t tell what color your car is because of the dirt.

You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

You clean your fingernails with a stick.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You consider “John Deere Green,” “Ford Blue,” and “Primer Gray” the three primary colors.

You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.

You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

You consider a three-piece suit to be a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt, and thermal underwear.

You consider pork and beans gourmet food.

You consider Potted Meat Food Product on a Saltine a hors d’oeuvre.

You consider seventh grade your “senior year.”

You consider your license plate “personalized” because your daddy made it.

You consider yourself a Lite beer drinker, because you start drinking as soon as it gets light.

You consider yourself an entrepreneur because of the “Dirt for Sale” sign in the front yard.

You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

You ever checked the bottom of your shoe for change to get Grandma a plug of tobacco.

You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.

You father encourages you to quit school ‘cause there’s an opening on the lube rack.

You fish in your aboveground pool… and catch something.

You gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”

You get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair.

You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister and girlfriend and you only need to buy one gift.

You go down to the creek to take a bath.

You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.

You grow Vidalia onions rather than considering them a gourmet item.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You haul more than U-Haul.

You have a color-coordinated rope tying down your car hood.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side.

You have a gun rack on your bicycle.

You have a Hefty bag for the passenger-side window of your car.

You have a house that’s mobile and five cars that aren’t.

You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

You have a velvet picture of Elvis bought from a roadside stand.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

You have an assigned day to wear the family tooth.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

You have any relatives named “Elmer” or “Jed.”

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You have been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You have ever attended a funeral or wedding where the pickup trucks outnumbered cars.

You have ever barbecued hamburgers at the drive-in.

You have ever barbecued Spam.

You have ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

You have ever been arrested for loitering.

You have ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

You have ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

You have ever been too drunk to fish.

You have ever bought a used cap.

You have ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister’s honor.

You have ever driven with your seat belt hanging out your door making sparks.

You have ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

You have ever financed a tattoo.

You have ever given a rat trap as a gift.

You have ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

You have ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

You have ever hitchhiked naked.

You have ever hollered, “Rock the house, Bubba!” during a piano recital.

You have ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

You have ever made change in the offering plate.

You have ever participated in a distance-spitting contest.

You have ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

You have ever scratched your sister’s name out of the message “for a good time, call…” You have ever shot a deer from inside your house.

You have ever shot anyone for looking at you.

You have ever shot at anybody over a parking space.

You have ever spray-painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.

You have ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.

You have ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.

You have ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

You have ever taken beer to a job interview.

You have ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

You have ever used a Weed-Wacker indoors.

You have ever used lard in bed.

You have ever used the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.

You have ever worn a cowboy hat to church.

You have ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

You have ever worn shorts to a funeral home.

You have every episode of “Hee Haw” on tape.

You have five cars that are immobile and a house that is.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

You have lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

You have more than three non-running cars parked in your yard.

You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

You have never paid for a haircut.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.

You have totaled every car you have ever owned.

You hear “lawn ornaments” and think of automobiles.

You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possessions.

You honestly believe women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

You judge drive time by the number of beers you need to take.

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don’t drink.

You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

You keep your taxidermist’s number on speed-dial.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

You let your fourteen-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table… in front of her kids.

You list your parole officer as a reference.

You listen to a radio station named after a barnyard animal.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded off its wheels.

You look like Willie Nelson after you get a haircut.

You missed 5 th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

You missed your 5 th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.

You only need one more hole punch to get your freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You only need one more hole punched to get your freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You owe the taxidermist more than half your annual income.

You own a homemade fur coat.

You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.

You own at least 20 baseball hats.

You own mirrored sunglasses.

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

You own more than three shirts with cut-off sleeves.

You pick your teeth from a catalog.

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

You read the Auto Trader with a highlighter.

You refer to fifth grade as “my senior year.”

You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

You spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

You started a petition to change the National Anthem to “ Georgia on My Mind”.

You take a fishing pole to Sea World.

You take a load to the dump and come back with more than you took.

You take your dog for a walk and both use the same tree.

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You think “BMW” is the call letters for a radio station.

You think “cur” is a breed of dog.

You think “doctorin’” involves mamma’s sewing kit and a jug.

You think “Dom Perignon” is a mafia leader.

You think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk.

You think “Old Yeller” is a movie about your brother’s tooth.

You think “taking a dip” has nothing to do with water.

You think “taking out the trash” means taking your in-laws to a movie.

You think “taking your wife on a cruise” means circling the Dairy Queen.

You think “The Nutcracker” is something you did off the high dive.

You think a “cursor” is someone who swears a lot.

You think a “hot tub” is a stolen bathroom fixture.

You think a “subdivision” is part of a math problem.

You think a “turtleneck” is a key ingredient in soup.

You think a “Volvo” is part of a woman’s anatomy.

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

You think beef jerky and moon pies make up two of the major food groups.

You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You think mud rasslin’ should be an Olympic sport.

You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You think the last words of the “Star-Spangled Banner” are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

You think the mountain men in Deliverance were just “misunderstood.”

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You think the term “dual air bags” refers to your wife and mother-in-law.

You think there’s no reason to stop at a rest area when there’s an empty bottle in the car.

You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.

You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

You use a ‘55 Chevy as a guest house.

You use the term “over yonder” more than once a month.

You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.

You view family reunions as a great chance to meet babes.

You watch “Little House on the Prairie” for decorating tips.

You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

You were shooting pool when any of your kids was born.

You wish your house looked like that one at the beginning of “Beverly Hillbillies.”

You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You’ve asked the preacher “How’s it hangin’?”

You’ve bathed with flea and tick soap.

You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

You’ve been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You’ve ever gotten dog hair out of your belly button.

You’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

You’ve got more than one brother named “Darryl.”

You’ve hit on somebody in a VD clinic.

You’ve used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.

Your 2-year-old has more teeth than you do.

Your all-time favorite movie is “Cannonball Run.”

Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

Your baby’s favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the yard.

Your baby’s first words were “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”

Your back porch is bigger than your house.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your hometown.

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.

Your biggest ambition in life is “to git that big ole coon!”

Your birth announcement included the word “rug rat.”

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

Your bumper sticker says, “My other car is a combine.”

Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

Your child’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”

Your Christmas card includes a Xerox of your butt.

Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

Your complete set of salad bowls are all labeled "Kool Whip."

Your Dad is also your favorite uncle.

Your Dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.

Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

Your family tree doesn’t fork.

Your favorite actors are Gomer Pile, Goober, and Barney Fife.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than grandpa.

Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute.

Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

Your grandfather executes the “pull my finger” trick at the family reunion.

Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

Your grandmother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

Your handkerchief doubles as your shirtsleeve.

Your high school prom offered day care.

Your home has more miles on it than your pickup.

Your hometown considers your beer can collection a tourist attraction.

Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.

Your huntin’ dawg cost more than your truck.

Your idea of a seven-course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.

Your idea of foreplay is to yell, “Hey, sis! You awake?”

Your idea of safe sex doesn’t include anyone else.

Your Junior-Senior Prom provided child care.

Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.

Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

Your masseuse uses lard.

Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house

Your momma doesn’t bother to remove the lit Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.

Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.

Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”

Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

Your momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sporting event.

Your mother has ever come outta the bathroom and proudly announced, “Y’all jes’ gotta see this ‘n!”

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

Your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop always brings you home.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

Your parakeet knows the phrase, “Open up! Police!”

Your pet parrot knows how to whistle the theme song to “The Andy Griffith Show.”

Your pocketknife doubles as a toothpick.

Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take off the wheels.

Your satellite dish payment keeps you from buying school clothes for the kids.

Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos.”

Your screen door has no screen.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.

Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

Your stereo speakers formerly belonged to the “Moonlite Drive-In Theater.”

Your toilet paper has page numbers.

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job: primer red and primer gray.

Your wedding pictures show you with a toothpick in your mouth.

Your wedding was held in the delivery room.

Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.

Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so’s I kin take muh bath!”

Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they’ve got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

Your wife’s best shoes have steel toes.

Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees.

Your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

From You've Got Laughs! Al Lowe's Book of Internet Humor
coming soon from www.allowe.com