Back To Als Site
Back to Al's Text Humor Page

You May be a
Redneck Jedi if…


You’ve ever said, "May the force be with y’all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer-colored.

Even though you had to kill him, you thought Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

In your opinion, that Darth Vader feller "just ain’t right."

Jawas come to you for used parts.

Last Christmas you bought a friend a hanging air freshener for his X-Wing.

Parts of a TIE fighter you once blew up hang in your living room as trophies.

People mistake your house for a Jawa, used droids, and speeder parts dealership.

Stealing Imperial shuttles is a family outing.

The doors of your X-wing are welded shut and so you climb in through the window.

The front of your landspeeder has bantha horns.

The smell of ham or bacon reminds you of Jabba’s Gamorean guards.

You can describe the taste of Ewok.

You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The Force.

You consider a peaceful meditation session is one without gas.

You ever fell in love with your sister.

You find no grammatical errors or syntax problems with the way Yoda talks.

You have at least one droid held together with baling wire and/or duct tape.

You have ever used baling wire and/or duct tape to repair your landspeeder.

You have ever used The Force in conjunction with a bowling or spitting contest.

You have ever used The Force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.

You have the words “Foxy Lady” painted on your landspeeder.

You have your droid pipe Box Car Willie into your X-Wing on long flights.

You inherited a Styrofoam cooler and a tackle box along with your light saber.

You know that duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

You never read the entire Jedi manual because it didn't have pictures.

You own a pink flamingo with blaster holes in it.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.

You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel than that sissy vest.

You think that Jabba the Hutt really knows how to pick up good-looking chicks.

You think that people who buy new droids is uppity.

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really tough sheets.

You use the “O” on stop signs to sight in your new blaster.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the cantina scene.

You wished that Admiral Ackbar was swimming in the pond on your farm back home.

You wore burlap even before you started your Jedi training.

You’re flying a ship with no original parts.

You’ve ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader’s evil empire as "them damn Yankees."

You’ve ever asked an Ewok to go coon hunting with you.

You’ve ever attended an Alliance medal ceremony in flip-flops and a robe.

You’ve ever fantasized about Princess Leah in Daisy Duke shorts.

You’ve ever looked at your sister, thought she was one hot babe, and kissed her.

You’ve ever said, “I’m fixin’ ta git dat bounty hunter.”

You’ve ever used a storm trooper helmet as a spittoon.

You’ve ever used The Force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You’ve ever used The Force to give someone a wedgie.

You’ve ever used your R-2 unit’s self-defense electroshock thingy to light your barbecue grill.

You’ve got a stuffed womp rat from Begger’s Canyon on your mantle.

You’ve moved from planet to planet to avoid Imperial storm troopers.

Your beer belly shames Jabba the Hutt.

Your best practical joke was sticking a banana in Boba Fett’s tail pipe.

Your cousin bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son. Come on over to the dark side! It’ll be a hoot."

Your favorite bar caters primarily to smugglers and bounty hunters.

Your favorite meals on Dagoba incorporate native snakes.

Your initiation into the Rebellion required parallel parking the Millennium Falcon.

Your Jedi master ever said “My finger you will pull.... hmmmmmm?”

Your landspeeder has a blaster rack in the back.

Your landspeeder is painted with a Confederate flag.

Your wedding cake was sliced with a light saber.

Your X-Wing's cockpit has fuzzy dice.

You've been on a blind date arranged through an invitation written on a cantina napkin.

You've called the Emperor “That old ugly dude in the house coat.”

You've had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You've had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingie to light your barbecue grill.

You've used your light saber to clean your teeth, clean fish, or open a beer bottle.

You've lost a hand in a light-saber fight because you had to spit.