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Why Beer is Better than Women

A beer always goes down easy.

A beer doesn’t care when you come.

A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

A beer doesn’t care if you keep other beers around.

A beer doesn’t think baseball is stupid.

A beer doesn’t think DOS is pronounced “dose.”

A beer is always ready to leave on time.

A beer is always wet.

A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.

A beer never fishes for compliments.

A beer actually supports belching and farting and shares your enthusiasm for getting them included as Olympic sports.

A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.

A beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie.

A beer will never make you turn off “Fists of Fury Theater.”

A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say “doberman” instead of “doberperson.”

A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin baby commercials are “cute.”

A beer won’t accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say “Gene Hackman” instead of “Gene Hackperson.”

A beer won’t accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse “just for the articles.” (Of course you're lying, but a beer won’t accuse you of it.)

A beer won’t claim the Three Stooges are mindless entertainment.

A beer won’t fill up your car with cheap gasoline.

A beer won’t listen to five straight hours of lesbian folk music.

A beer won’t get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.

A beer won’t make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like WD-40.

A beer won’t make you go to church.

A beer won’t make you pick up some tampons at the grocery store.

A beer won’t raise a fuss about leaving the toilet seat up.

A beer won’t raise any objections to an evening of “John Holmes’ Greatest Hits.”

Frigid beer is good beer.

After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.

After you have a beer, you’re committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.

An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.

Beer always comes in multiples of six.

Beer always listens; beer never argues.

Beer can’t give you an S.T.D.

Beer doesn’t bitch, yell, or cry.

Beer doesn’t blow you off.

Beer doesn’t care if you have no culture or manners.

Beer doesn’t complain about insensitivity.

Beer doesn’t complain about the way you drive.

Beer doesn’t demand equality or legality.

Beer doesn’t get cramps.

Beer doesn’t go crazy once a month.

Beer doesn’t have a lawyer.

Beer doesn’t have a mother.

Beer doesn’t have cold hands and feet.

Beer doesn’t have morals.

Beer doesn’t want its mother to live with you.

Beer doesn’t look you up in a month.

Beer doesn’t make you go shopping.

Beer doesn’t mind lying in the “wet spot” that it left.

Beer doesn’t mind football season.

Beer doesn’t mind getting dirty.

Beer doesn’t mind if you fart or belch.

Beer doesn’t mind watching Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.

Beer doesn’t need closet space.

Beer doesn’t need to go to the bathroom with other beers.

Beer doesn’t pout or play games.

Beer doesn’t tease you or play hard to get.

Beer doesn’t tell you to mow the lawn.

Beer doesn’t use up your toilet paper.

Beer doesn’t wear a bra.

Beer doesn’t whine, it bubbles.

Beer doesn’t worry about someone walking in.

Beer doesn’t worry about waking the kids.

Beer is always easy to pick up.

Beer is easy to get into.

Beer is never late.

Beer is never overweight.

Beer labels come off without a fight.

Beer labels don’t go out of style every year.

Beer looks the same in the morning.

Beer never asks you to change the station.

Beer never changes its mind.

Beer never complains you don't take it anywhere.

Beer never has a headache.

Beer never says no.

Beer stains wash out.

Beer tastes good.

Beer won’t run off with your credit cards.

Big, fat beers are even better.

If a beer leaks on the carpet, it smells kinda good …for a while.

When you change beers, you don’t have to pay alimony.

If you mention a “five liter V8” around a beer, it won’t assume you mean a giant can of vegetable juice.

If you pour a beer right, you always get good head.

If you take a beer out of the fridge just to look at it, but then decide to drink it, the beer won’t accuse you of “date rape."

When beer goes flat you can toss it out.

When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

When you’re through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn’t make you sick.

When your beer is gone, you just pop another.

You're always sure you are the first to pop a beer.

You can enjoy a beer all month.

You can have a beer in public.

You can have more than one beer a night without feeling guilty.

You can share a beer with your friends.

You can’t catch anything but a “buzz” from a beer.

You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

You don’t have to wine and dine a beer.

Beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.