Back To Als Site
Back to Al's Text Humor Page

What Is It?

1.   Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

2.   Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

3.   Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

4.   Many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

5.   It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

6.   In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

7.   If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.

8.   If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

9.   We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

10.   If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

Email

 

 

1.   It is a useful tool, usually about 6 or 8 inches long.

2.   Its function is enjoyed by members of both sexes.

3.   It is often found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.

4.   It usually has a clump of little hairy things at one end, and a small hole at the other.

5.   In use, it is inserted, nearly always willingly, into a warm, moist fleshy opening where it is thrust in and drawn out, again and again, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, many times in succession. This is often accompanied by squirming body movements.

6.   Anyone hearing it in action will instantly recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound that comes from its well-lubricated movements.

7.   When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky, white substance that will have to be cleaned from both its long glistening shaft and the opening’s outer surfaces.

8.   When its activity is through, and the liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely-hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action.

9.   Hopefully it reaches its bristling climax two or three times a day, but often much less.

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

a toothbrush

 

 

It is a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When it is not well, it drips. When you blow it, you feel good.

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

your nose

 

 

It’s spread before it’s eaten. Your tongue gets it off. Sometimes people lick its nuts.

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

peanut butter

 

 

It assists an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from it. It’s called a big swinger.

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

a crane

 

 

It wasn’t maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped it open. Over 1,000 people went down on it.

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

the Titanic

 

 

You stick your poles inside it. You tie it down to get it up. It gets wet before you do.

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

a tent

 

 

When it goes in, it causes pain. It causes you to spit and asks you not to swallow. It can fill your hole.

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

a dentist

 

 

A finger goes in it. You fiddle with it when you’re bored. The best man always has it first.

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

a wedding ring

 

 

All day long, it’s in and out. It discharge loads from its shaft. Both men and women go down on it.

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

an elevator

 

 

It goes in hard. It comes out soft. You blow it hard.

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

chewing gum

 

 

If it misses, it hits your bush. It is its job to stuff your box. When it comes, it’s news.

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

the newspaper deliveryperson

 

 

It offers protection. It gets the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get it off.

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

a pair of gloves

 

 

It has a stiff shaft. Its tip penetrates. It comes with a quiver.

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

an arrow

 

 

Its business is briefs. It is a cunning linguist. It pleads and pleads for it.

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

an attorney

 

 

It makes some guys shoot in the air. It usually has a little pecker. It’s better in your hand than in your bush.

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

a bird

What is a four-letter word that ends in “K” and means the same as intercourse?

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

talk

 

 

What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

 

legs

 

 

What can you find in a man’s pants that women love, is about six inches long, has a head on it, and women often blow it?

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

 

a twenty-dollar bill

 

 

What word starts with and “F” ends with “U-C-K?”

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

 

fire truck

 

 

Name five words that are each four letters long and end in “UNT.” (One is a word for a woman.)

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt

 

 

What does a dog do that you can step into?

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

 

pants

 

 

What four letter word begins with “F” and ends with “K,” and if you can’t get one, you can use your hands?

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

fork

 

 

What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

 

Almond Joy candy bar

 

 

What four-letter word ends in “I-T” and is often found on the bottom of birdcages?

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

 

grit

 

 

What is it that: all men have one of; is longer on some men than others; the pope has but doesn’t use; and a man gives to his wife once they are married?

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

 

last name

 

The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it.

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

coffin

 

 

All wise men, regardless of their religion or politics, agree there is one thing between heaven and earth.

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

The word "and"

 

 

One year Christmas and New Year's Day (not New Year's Eve) fell in the same year.

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

Every year. They're just separated by 359 days.

 

 

Can you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

"one word"

 

There’s one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

Boxing

 

 

Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

Baseball

 

 

Where are the lakes that are referred to in the “Los Angeles Lakers”?

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.

 

 

There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls-a walk-is one way. Name the other six.

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

Batter hit by a pitch, passed ball, catcher interference, catcher drops third strike, fielder's choice and being designated as a pinch runner.

 

 

What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

 

 

Name two of the three common words in standard English begin with the letters “dw.”

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

Dwarf, dwell and dwindle

 

 

There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Name seven.

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces and ellipses.

 

 

Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter “s."

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers,
slippers, skis, snowshoes and stockings

 

 

Only two vegetables can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All others must be replanted every year.  Name the only two perennial vegetables?

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

Asparagus and rhubarb

 

 

Name the one fruit or vegetable that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked or in any other form but fresh.

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

Lettuce

 

 

What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

Strawberry

 

 

In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

 

What is it?

 

(scroll down)

The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left there for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.