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Things to Ponder

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

I asked the bookstore clerk, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If a man standing in the middle of the forest speaks and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why are there still monkeys and apes?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the others drown too?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it a hostage situation?

If the “blackbox” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you spin an Oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

Is Santa so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s?”

Why aren’t hemorrhoids called “assteroids?”

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why is it called “tourist season” if we can’t shoot them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why is there no other word for synonym?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?