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Things You'll Never Hear from a Southerner

"Aw, I cain't. Hell, she's only sixteen!"

"Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."

"Bobbie Jo and Billy Bob are registered at Tiffany's."

"Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."


"Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."

"Do you think my gut is too big?"

"Do you think my hair is too big?"

"Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"

"Duct tape won't fix that."

"Elvis who?"

"Give me the small bag of pork rinds."

"Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?"

"Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw we haven't seen!"

"Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."

"I believe you cooked those green beans too long."

"I don't have a favorite college football team."

"I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."

"I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."

"I thought Graceland was tacky."

"I'll have a grapefruit instead of those biscuits and gravy."

"I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."

"I'll have the poached salmon."

"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"

"I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."

"Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael."

"Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams."

"No kids in the back of the pickup... it's just not safe."

"Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight."

"Professional wrasslin's fake."

"She's too old to be wearing that bikini."

"Spittin' is such a nasty habit."

"Sugar, we just don't need another dog."

"The tires on that truck are too big."

"Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."

"Too many deer heads detract from the decor."

"Trim the fat off that steak."

"Unsweetened tea tastes better."

"We don't keep firearms in this house."

"We're vegan."

"Who's Richard Petty?"

"You can't feed that to the dog."