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Things You'd Love
To Say At Work

I can see your point, but you're still full of shit.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

How about never? Is never good for you?

It's nice of you to set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I'm easy to get along with, once you people learn to worship me.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

It sounds like English, but I don't know what in the hell you're talking about.

Ah, ha. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

I like you. You remind me of me—when I was young and foolish.

You validate my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

Do people often visualize duct tape over your mouth this early in your conversations?

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent.

Thank you. We're all refreshed by that unique point of view.

Just because no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Any connection between you and reality is purely coincidental.

I'm not rude. You're just insignificant.

And your crybaby, whiny-assed opinion would be...?

Do I look like a people person?

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number two?

So many freaks; so few circuses.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

CHAOS, PANIC, & DISORDER - my work here is done.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.