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Things You Should Have Learned by Middle Age

A balanced diet is not chocolate in each hand.

A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

Eat well, stay fit, and you’ll die anyway.

Experience is a wonderful teacher; it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

Going to church makes you a Christian just like standing in a garage makes you a car.

If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

If you look like your passport picture, you need a trip.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

It ain’t the jeans that makes your butt look fat.

It is easier to get forgiveness after than permission before.

Junk is what you kept for years and then threw away a month before you needed it.

Men are from Earth. Women are also from Earth. Deal with it.

Middle age is when your broad mind and your narrow waist trade places.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: a lone amateur built the ark but a large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Never lick a steak knife.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well; just get up and dance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

One way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Those who think logically provide a nice contrast to the real world.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

You shouldn’t weigh more than your refrigerator.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

Your conscience hurts when all your other parts feel good.

Your friends love you anyway.