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Things Not to Say While Making Love

But everybody looks funny naked!

You woke me up for that?

Did I mention the video camera?

Do you smell something burning?

Try breathing through your nose.

A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

Is that a Medic-Alert pendant?

Did you lock the back door?

Whipped cream makes me break out.

“Is your first time?” “Yeah. Today!”

Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

Pass the remote control.

Do you accept Visa?


On second thought, let’s do turn off the lights.

And to think I was gonna try to pick up your friend!

So much for mouth-to-mouth.

Try not to leave a stain, okay?

I hope you look this good when I’m sober.

Do you get any premium movie channels?

Try not to smear my make-up, will ya?

Hey! I just had this couch cleaned.

Got any penicillin?

But I just brushed my teeth.

Smile! You’re on Candid Camera.

I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs.

I want a baby.

So much for my sexual fantasy fulfillment.

Why am I doing all the work?

Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth.

Hmm. Maybe I'll paint the ceiling beige.

Maybe you have it on backwards?

When does this start feeling good?

Put that blender back in the kitchen!

You’re good enough to do this for a living.

Is that blood on your headboard?

Did I remember to take my pill?

Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?

Too bad you don't get the Playboy channel.

I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!

But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.

Did I mention that Aunt Martha died in this bed?

If you quit smoking, maybe you'd have more endurance.

No, really. I do this part better myself!

It’s nice being in bed with someone I don’t have to inflate!

This would be more fun with more people.

You’re almost as good as my ex!

Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

Is that you I smell?

You look younger than you feel.

Maybe you’re just out of practice.

For a fat girl, you don’t sweat much!

That's not cracker crumbs, it’s a rash.

Now I know why they dumped you.

Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

What tampon?

Have you ever considered liposuction?

And to think I didn’t even have to buy you dinner!

What are you planning for breakfast?

I have a confession to make…

I was so horny tonight, I would have taken home a duck!

Are those real or am I just behind the times?

Were you repressed as a child?

Is that a hanging sculpture?

You’ll still vote for me, won’t you?

Did I mention my sex change?

Did you come yet?

Did you come already?

Want to know who I’m fantasizing about?

A good plastic surgeon can fix that.

Does this count as a date?

Oprah had a show about people like you.

Biting is so romantic.

Would you like to meet my parents?

“Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.” “Try yourself.”

Have you seen Fatal Attraction?

Do you mind wearing this name tag?

Don’t mind me; I always file my nails in bed.

Do you mind if I make a phone call while you finish?

Don’t worry, he’s friendly for a Doberman.

Sorry, I don’t do toes!

Could you at least pretend you’re enjoying it!

Petroleum jelly or not, I said no.

Keep it down. Mom’s a light sleeper.

Did you know I work for The Enquirer?

So that’s why they call you Flash!

My ex used to go a lot longer!

Is this also a sin?

When’s it my friend’s turn?

Long kisses clog my sinuses.

Understand: I’m only doing this for the raise.

How long do you plan to be “almost there?”

What do you mean: you’re not my blind date?

What do you think you're going to do with THAT?!


Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.

Would you pass me that large kitchen knife?

Did I do it right?

I thought you had a condom!

I got your number from a bathroom wall.

Honest, it's never happened to me before.

That's my dad, the Police Chief. Why?

Nah, my last boyfriend said his AIDS was cured.

I thought in this state that 16 was legal.

When you said you were 'hung like a horse,' I wan't thinking pony!

If you keep your feet up, you won't get pregnant.

Well, I'm done. How about you?

Are all you guys on the same team?

Oh, my kid-brother watches everything I do.

Maybe it goes in the other way.

Don't you have anything in a large?

Did I mention I'm married?

Let me know when I'm supposed to breathe heavy.

Wow, 4 fingers!

When do I get paid?

My brother was better than that.

I think I heard an echo!

Do I get extra credit for this, professor?

I think it's great that the Pope okayed sex for priests.

I've never done this with someone else before.

You must be a good dentist... I didn't feel a thing.

Somehow I thought it was supposed to be bigger.

I can't believe I've been saving myself for that!

What do you mean, the condom's leaking?

That was much better than sheep!

Do you have a sister?

I'm due in December.

You don't mind if I wear surgical gloves, do ya?

Tell me if this hurts.

Have you seen the keys to the handcuffs?

Is it supposed to look like that?

Is it supposed to smell like that?

Sorry, I didn't mean to laugh.

Oh, hi, Dad!

Is it in?

I don't know what's wrong; it worked fine with your sister.

Dad says you'd make a great son-in-law.

I think 37 seconds is a new record for me.

Do you have a shoehorn?

We do it a little different here in prison.

Sorry, I only mate within my species.

Trust me.

Wrong hole! WRONG HOLE!!