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Things Not to Say When Your Man is Naked

I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.

Ahh, isn’t that cute.

Who circumcised you?

Maybe we should just cuddle?

You know they have surgery to fix that.

Can you make it dance.

You know, there’s a tower in Italy like that.

Can I paint a smiley face on that?

It looks like a night crawler.

Wow, but your feet are so big!

My last boyfriend was much bigger.

It’s okay. We can work around it.

Is that Slim Jim mild or spicy?

Ew! There’s an inch worm on your thigh.

Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

Oops! A flash headache.

May I be honest with you?

My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

I’ll get my tweezers.

How sweet. You brought incense.

This explains your car.

You must be a growing boy.

Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.

Did you ever work in a circus sideshow?

Every heard of Clearasil?

I didn’t know they came that small.

Why did God punish you?

This shouldn’t take long.

What do you call this?

It still works, right?

It looks so …unused.

Are you on steroids?

I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

Maybe it looks better in natural light.

Let’s skip right to the cigarettes.

Were you in an accident?

Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

Aw, it’s hiding.

Is it cold in here?

Maybe if I was really drunk…

Is that an optical illusion?

What is that?

Want some ketchup for that French fry?

Were you neutered?

Good thing you have other talents.

Does it come with an air pump?

You have a nice personality.

I’ve got to get up early tomorrow.

Where’s the rest of it?