The Teenage Daughter Owner's Manual
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a teenaged daughter. If you feel you have received your teenager in error, examine your daughter carefully. Does she: Look similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? Refuse to acknowledge your existence except when requesting money? Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have the correct item.
BREAK-IN: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Don’t worry; this will gradually subside until you feel merely traumatized. This is called “The Break-in Period.” Once you have grown accustomed to her weird behavior, she will act even worse.
ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further assistance is required.
SHUTDOWN: If you desire to shut down your teenaged daughter, think again. There is no shutdown.
CLEANING: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words “clean” and “neat.” Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they frequently take showers lasting over an hour, scrubbing with expensive soap that you must purchase for them because “like I’m so sure I’m gonna use like the same soap Mom and Dad use!” When all the hot water is gone, they will leave the shower wrapped in every clean towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently shed throughout the house. Do not confuse “clean” with “neat.” Teenagers are too busy to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them, where “others” is defined as “parents.”
FEEDING: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because “it is like so disgusting!” You may not accompany her to these restaurants because “someone might see you and like I’m sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents!” Order take-out or give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because “the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot!” Yes, your daughter’s idea of an attractive man is now the pizza delivery boy.
CLOTHING: Retailers make millions of dollars year selling stylish, sensible clothing that looks great on your teenaged daughter. Unfortunately, she wants to dress like a hooker. If you do coerce her into wearing something cute before leaving the house, by the time she gets to where she’s going, she’ll be wearing something entirely different.
MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one level of maintenance: “Ultra High.” This means that whatever you do won’t be enough and whatever you try won’t work.
WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes. If you find this unfair, talk to your parents, who think it’s hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. Your warranty will never return your little girl, except that, deep down she’s still there. You just have to look for her!