The Life Of A Computer Analyst
Monday
8:05am
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User called to say they forgot password. Told them
to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully
ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let these
people vote and drive, too?
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8:12am
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Accounting called to say they couldn’t access expense
reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer
#112, “Well, it works for me.” Let them rant and rave
while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged
their server back in. Suggested they try it again.
One more happy customer...
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8:14 am
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User from 8:05 call said they received error message
“Error accessing Drive 0.” Told them it was an OS problem.
Transferred them to microsupport.
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11:00 am
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Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug
support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend.
Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put
her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet
down in basement. What is she thinking? The “Quake3”
nationals are this weekend!
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11:34 am
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Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they
want ACL changed on HR performance review database
so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them
no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance
reviews are sent to */US.
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12:00 pm
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Lunch
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3:30 pm
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Return from lunch.
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3:55 pm
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Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce
servers for no reason. Return to napping.
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4:23 pm
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Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change
fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they’re using.
Tell them to call back when they find out.
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4:55 pm
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Decide to run “Create Save/Replication Conflicts” macro
so next shift has something to do.
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Tuesday
8:30 am
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Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded
busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.
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9:00 am
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Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude.
Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. “Love to, but kinda
busy. Could you put something in the calendar database!”
I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have
(mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.
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9:35 pm
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Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee.
Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they
never heard of such a form. Tell them it’s in the SPECIAL
FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database.
Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.
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10:00 am
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Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she
needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department
name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup
against state parole board database, Centers for Disease
Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No
hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from
the lessons learned in last week’s “Reengineering for
Customer Partnership,” I offer to personally deliver
ID to her apartment.
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10:07 am
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Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls
in basement. Offer to train him on Lotus Notes. Begin
now. Make him watch console while I grab a smoke.
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1:00 pm
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Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept
ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady.
This guy's got potential!
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1:05 pm
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Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where
I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress
to him importance of not running in computer room,
even if I do yell “Omigod—Fire!”
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1:15 pm
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Development Standards Committee calls and complains
about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience,
I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace
using gaks.
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1:20 pm
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Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting
calls for “Notice Loads” or “NoLoad Goats,” she’s not
sure, couldn’t hear over industrial-grade blender.
Tell her it was probably “Lettuce Nodes.” Maybe the
food distributor with a new product? She thinks about
it and hangs up.
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2:00 pm
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Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask
her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom
counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine.
Suggest she put duct tape over all the air vents she
can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new
ID for her while she does that.
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2:49 pm
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Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off
rest of day.
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Wednesday
8:30 am
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Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with
fonts on form. Tell them of course, they should have
been checking “Bitset,” not “chipset.” Sheepish user
apologizes and hangs up.
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9:10 am
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Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office.
Schedules 10:00 am meeting with me. User calls
and wants to talk to support manager about terrible
help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go
into meeting. Sometimes life just hands you material...
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10:00 am
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Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me.
Go to support manager’s office. He says he can’t dismiss
me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most
involve farm implements in third-world countries with
moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask
if he’s aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed
random e-mail databases and puts all references to
furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the
corporate Web page. Meeting adjourned. He reaches for
keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.
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10:30 am
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Tell Louie he’s doing great job. Offer to show him
mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.
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11:00 am
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Lunch.
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4:55 pm
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Return from lunch.
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5:00 pm
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Shift change. Going home.
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Thursday
8:00 am
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New guy (“Marvin”) started today. “Nice plaids,” I
offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical
library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit
whining, Lotus Notes runs the same in monochrome and
color.
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8:45 am
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New guy’s PC finishes booting up. Tell him I’ll create
new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64.
Go grab smoke.
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9:30 am
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Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. “Nice plaids,”
comments Louie. Is this guy great or what?!
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11:00 am
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Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare
dominos out of sleeves. (“Always have backups.”) User
calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet
cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug
back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy
customer!
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11:55 am
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Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: “Whereas
all new employee beginning on days ending in ‘Y’ shall
enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said
employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief
to senior technical analyst on shift.” Marvin doubts.
I point to “Corporate Policy” database (a fine piece
of work, if I say so myself!). “Remember, that’s double
pepperoni and no peppers!” I yell to Marvin
as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.
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1:00 pm
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Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...
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4:30 pm
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Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want
ads.
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5:00 pm
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Shift change. Flick HR’s server off and on several
times to test its On/Off switch. See ya tomorrow.
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Friday
8:00 am
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Night shift still trying to replace power supply in
HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.
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9:00 am
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Marvin still not here. Maybe I should start answering
these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
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9:02 am
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Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can’t replicate.
Me and the Oiuji board determine it’s sunspots. Tell
them to call Telecommunications.
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9:30 am
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Good God, another user! They’re like ants. Says he’s
in San Diego and can’t replicate with Des Moines. Tell
him it’s sunspots, but with a two-hour difference.
Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.
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10:17 am
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Pensacola calls. Says they can’t route mail to San
Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours.
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11:00 am
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E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting
the time on their servers. I change the date stamp
and forward it to Milwaukee.
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11:20 am
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Finish "@CoffeeMake" macro. Put phone back
on hook.
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11:23 am
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Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
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11:25 am
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Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to
quit. “It's so hard to find good help,” I offer. Support
manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor
this afternoon and asks if I mind sitting in on the
weekly department head meeting for him. “No problem!”
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11:30 am
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Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he’s
invited to a meeting this afternoon. “Yeah, sure. You
can bring your snuff,” I tell him.
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12:00 am
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Lunch.
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1:00 pm
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Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device
NULL to make them run faster.
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1:03 pm
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Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!
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2:30 pm
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Look in support manager’s contact management database.
Cancel 2:45 pm appointment for him. He really should
be at home resting, you know.
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2:39 pm
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New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a
connection document. Tell them to run connection document
utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to
call microsupport.
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2:50 pm
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Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor’s office
means appointment cancelled. Says he’s just going to
go on home. Ask him if he’s seen corporate Web page
lately.
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3:00 pm
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Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not
working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end
of formula. Promise to send them document addendum
which says so.
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4:00 pm
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Finish changing foreground color in all documents to
white. Also set point size to “2” in help compact databases.
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4:30 pm
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User calls to say they can’t see anything in documents.
Tell them to go to view, do a “Edit—Select All”, hit
delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them
document addendum which says so.
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4:45 pm
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Another user calls. Says they can’t read help documents.
Tell them I’ll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.
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4:58 pm
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Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens.
Not (too) much.
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5:00 pm
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Night shift shows up. Tell them the hub is acting funny
and to have a good weekend.
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