Back To Als Site
Back to Al's Text Humor Page

The Female Argument Dictionary


This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (Never use "Fine" to describe how she looks. This will start one of those arguments.)

Five minutes

Roughly half an hour. Equivalent to the same five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.


"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

Go ahead
(raised eyebrows)

This is not permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "Five minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."

Go ahead
(normal eyebrows)

This is not permission either. It means, "I give up!" or "Do what you want because I don't care." It is followed in a few minutes by a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead," followed by "Nothing" and "Fine." She will talk to you for about "Five Minutes" once she cools off.

Loud sigh

This is not actually a word, but is still a communication. Frequently misunderstood by men. "Loud sigh" means you are a complete idiot and she wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you! Over "Nothing."

Soft sigh

Again, not a word but a statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe but just hope that this will last a bit longer.


This word, followed by any statement, is trouble. "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.

That's okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever dumb thing you have done. Often used in combinations with the word "Fine" or the raised eyebrow "Go ahead." Once she's had time to plan it out your fate, you're in for big trouble.

Please do

This is not a statement, it's an offer. She's giving you a chance to come up with some excuse for the latest dumb thing you've done, i.e., a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. Handle this correctly and you won't get a "That's okay."


The woman is thanking you. Don't faint. Don't look for hidden meaning. Just say, "You're welcome."

Thanks a lot

Dramatically different from "Thanks." "Thanks A Lot" means she's really ticked. It is often followed by "Loud Sigh," signifying that you have hurt her in some callous way. No need to ask what's wrong. She'll only tell you "Nothing."