Techniques of Driving
Chicago
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One hand on wheel, one hand on horn
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New York
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One hand on wheel, one finger out window
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New Jersey
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One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across
all lanes of traffic
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Boston
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One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly
on accelerator
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Los Angeles
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One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf
cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator,
gun in lap
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Italy
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Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator,
head turned to talk to someone in back seat
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Seattle
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One hand on 12 oz., double-shot latte, one knee on
wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on
radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck
in traffic
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Texas
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One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating
between both feet being on the accelerator and both
feet on brake, throwing McDonald’s bag out the window
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Southern male
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One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window,
speed steady at 70 mph, driving down the center of
the road unless going around a blind curve, in which
case they are on the wrong side of the road
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Southern female
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One hand constantly adjusting rear-view mirror to show
different angles of big hair, other hand going between
mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair
going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering
the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid
handle in the glove compartment
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Oklahoma
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Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear
window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached
to antenna
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Colorado
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Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture,
eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch
for visible emissions from their own or another’s car
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New Mexico
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Two hands on the wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy
mph zone in the left lane, with the left turn signal
on, and making a right turn
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Florida
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Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible
through windshield, driving 35 in the left lane of
the Interstate with the left blinker on
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Arkansas
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One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister
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Iowa,
Driving In California
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Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake,
quivering in terror
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