CEO

Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO

Corporate Fraud Officer.

Bull Market

A short-term random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market

A 6–18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

Value Investing

The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E Ratio

The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Broker

What my stock adviser has made me.

Standard & Poor

Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst

Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock Split

When your ex-wife and her lawyer divide your assets equally between them.

Financial Planner

Someone whose phone has been disconnected.

Market Correction

Occurs one day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow

The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Yahoo

What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

Windows

What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought it for $240 per share.

Institutional Investor

Recent investor who is now locked up in a nuthouse.

Profit

Archaic; no longer in use.