Back To Als Site
Back to Al's Text Humor Page

Sports Quotations

“Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye.” — Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all road trips

“He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.” — Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins

“He wants Texas back.” — Dodger manager Tommy Lasorda when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations

“He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.” — Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota

“He’s a guy who gets up to run at six o’clock every morning regardless of what time it is.” — Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota

“I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.” — Shaquille O’Neal when asked if he visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

“I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff you haven’t been through in school.” — Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a Clemson freshman because of academic requirements

“I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me. — Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model

“I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.” — New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season

“I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.” — Oakland Raiders tackle Lincoln Kennedy on his decision not to vote

“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” — Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

“I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.” — New Orleans Saints G.M. Jim Finks, when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs

“I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.” — Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships

“It’s basically the same, just darker.” — Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons

“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.” — North Carolina State basketball player Chuck Nevitt explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice

“Next time I’ll send the injured reserve players out for the toss.” — Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts, after team co-captain and offensive guard Robert Pratt pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis

“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” — Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996

“One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?” — Texas football coach Darrell Royal when asked if the season’s abnormal number of Longhorn injuries resulted from poor physical conditioning

“Pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.” — Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

“Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.” — Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D

“That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.” — Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

“The real tragedy was that fifteen of them hadn’t been colored yet.” — Florida football coach Steve Spurrier telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed twenty books

“We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.” — Orlando Magic general manager Pat Williams on his team’s 7-27 record

“Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? After all, he spent three years in prison, not Princeton.” — Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

“You guys line up alphabetically by height.” — Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

“We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised.” — Ian McNail, Football

“This is really a lovely horse; I once rode her mother.” — Ted Walsh, Horse Racing Commentator

“We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite.” — Murray Walker, F1 Motor racing Commentator

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: “It was like being in a foreign country.” — Ian Rush, Footballer

“Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.” — John Arlott, Cricket Commentator

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” — Winston Bennett, Footballer

“The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.” — Murray Walker, F1 Motor racing Commentator

“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” — Greg Norman, Golfer

“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious.” — Alan Minter, Boxer

“The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball.” — John Francombe, Jockey

“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” — Terry Venables, Football Coach

“We’ll still be happy if we lose. It’s on at the same time as the Beer Festival.” — Noel O’Mahoney, Cork City boss before the game in Munich

“I would not say David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better.” — Ron Atkinson, Footballer

“He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. You can see it all over their faces.” — Ron Atkinson, Footballer

“I never comment on referees and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.” — Ron Atkinson, Football Coach

On Tony Adamson’s alcoholism: “It took a lot of bottle for Tony to own up.” — Ian Wright, Footballer

“Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got 11 Dicks on the field.” — Metro Radio

“ . . . and later we’ll have action from the men’s cockless pairs.” — Sue Barker, Commentating on Rowing

“Her time is about 4.33, which she’s capable of.” — David Coleman, Athletics

“Sex is an anti-climax after that.” — Grand National winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald

“Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that.” — Desmond Lynam

“To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.” — Ruud Gullit, Football Coach

“Well, either side could win, or it could be a draw.” — Ron Atkinson, Football Coach

“For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip.” — John Motson, Football Commentator

“Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.” — David Acfield

“I’d like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.” — Mark Draper, Aston Villa

“There goes Juan Torera down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class.” — David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics

“One of the reasons Arnold Palmer is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh, my God, what have I just said?” — US TV commentator

“And for those of you who watched the last programme, I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny’s.” — David Coleman at the start of Match of the Day

“Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansell. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers.” — Murray Walker

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” — Winston Bennett

“I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.” — Stuart Pearce

“The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval. It’s long and square.” — Trevor Bailey

“Watch the time, it gives you an indication of how fast they are running.” — Ron Pickering

“That’s inches away from being millimetre perfect.” — Ted Lowe

“I’ll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right.” — Marion Starling

“I can’t tell who’s leading. It’s either Oxford or Cambridge.” — John Snagge, covering The Boat Race

“Lara’s chanced his arm, and it’s come off.” — Brian Johnston

“Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand.” — ‘Whispering’ Ted Lowe

“A brain scan revealed Andrew Caddick is not suffering from a stress fracture of the shin.” — Jo Sheldon

“Bobby Gould thinks I’m trying to stab him in the back. In fact, I’m right behind him.” — Stuart Pearson

“There’s going to be a real ding dong when the bell goes.” — David Coleman

“We didn’t underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought.” — Bobby Robson, after playing Cameroon in the 1990 World Cup finals

“I was in a no-win situation, so I’m glad I won rather than lost.” — Frank Bruno