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Ski Season Warm-Up

Visit your local butcher shop. Pay $45 to sit in the walk-in freezer for eight hours. Afterwards, to warm up, burn two $20 dollar bills.

Go to the nearest hockey rink. Put on your ski boots. Carry two sets of skis and poles, plus your accessory bag. Pretend you are looking for your car. 

Put a pebble in each of your street shoes. Tighten a C-clamp around each foot. Stand for hours to simulate new ski boots.  

Buy a pair of gloves. Immediately throw one away. 

Go to a McDonald's. Stand in the longest line. Wait until they start to throw away the old, dead, tiny cheeseburgers. Pay them $6.00 each.  

Clip a lift ticket to your jacket zipper. Ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. 

Overload your car. Get behind an 18-wheeler. Drive slowly for five hours. Anywhere. Make sure you are in a snow storm. 

Fill a blender with ice. Do not put on the lid. Hold your face just above it. Hit “Pulse.” Let the spray blast your face.  

Put on as many clothes as you can. Then take them off so you can go to the bathroom.  

Repeat every Saturday and Sunday.