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Random Thoughts

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going the wrong way? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch, or your phone, or make a grand arm gesture, and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the vicinity thinks you're crazy by randomly changing directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was young.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me. I will never again end a work email with the phrase "Regards."

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

How the hell do you fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry ten plastic grocery bags in each hand than make two trips to bring in my groceries.

Part of being a best friend should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say."

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's municipal league baseball team is named The Stepdads. Since none of them are actually stepdads, I asked about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said, "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies."

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and then turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, so you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after tilting your chair back too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to a document that I swear I did not change.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. "I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?"

I hate when I just miss a call on the last ring ("Hello? Hello? Dammit!"), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from a little mild Internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle. Then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three times and still not remember what time it is.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

When I found out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment stemmed from the fact that I was unaware of my condition in college.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and pinning the tail on the donkey, but everyone can find and push the snooze button in under a second, eyes closed, first time, every time.

It pisses me off when I want to read a story on and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind always obeys the speed limit.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout and, when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, the person who packed my order thought about it and then decided that at least four people were required to eat all that food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like you're fat just before dinner.