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Pregnancy Q & A

I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

With any luck, right after he finishes college.

How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

What is the most common pregnancy craving?

For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?


The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me.  Why?

‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.

My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.

So what’s your question?

What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a  model?

Nothing (if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him).

How long is the average woman in labor?

Whatever she says divided by two.

My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

When is the best time to get an epidural?

Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

Yes, pregnancy.

Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?

Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?

When you see teeth marks.

Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

When the kids are in college.