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Men versus Women




No confidence

He’ll ask me out.

I’m screwed.

No money

He’ll pay.

I’m screwed.

No college plans

He doesn’t care.

I’m screwed.

No friends

He won’t even ask.

I’m screwed.


He doesn’t care.

I’m screwed.

Obscure interests

He’ll pretend to be interested.

I’m screwed.


I just need to look good.

I’m screwed.

Low end job with no career prospects

I just need to look good.

I’m screwed.

Rejects a member of the opposite sex

He just doesn’t meet my needs.

The guys’ll think I’m gay.

Expects sex as part of a relationship

I’m a serious, assertive woman.

She’ll think I just want to get into her pants.

Not in the mood for sex

It’s expected.

Am I gay?

Bad in bed

Just lie back.

Worthless. She’ll dump me for someone who can satisfy her.

Raped and needs help

Tons of support groups; everyone is symphathetic.

He lying. It’s impossible to rape a man.

Want to end relationship

File for divorce, get half of your husband’s assets, plus alimony. Upgrade to a hotter/richer man.

My life was destroyed by that biased divorce court judge.

Own guns

Brave woman who defends herself.

Crazy nut case.

Doesn’t want expensive wedding

Knows how to handle finances and plan for her future.

I’m screwed.

Doesn’t play sports or work out

No problem.

I’m a loser.

Your country has a draft

Men defend me for free; employers prefer to hire me due to no obligations.

I’m screwed.

World is biased against my gender

Millions of feminists worldwide agree and support you.

You pussy. Grow some balls!

Physically incapable of work

Standards will be lowered so things are “fair.”

You’re a loser.


Eventually someone will settle for you.

Unless you’re rich, you’ll die alone.

Had sex with someone underage

Slap on the wrist; everyone thinks “What a lucky boy!”

Raped in prison.

Throw tantrums to get your way

“It’s my time of the month” or “women are just so emotional.”

Spoiled child.

Hit spouse during argument

He’s a man—he can take it. And he probably deserved it.

Spousal abuse. Go to jail.

Expect gifts at lesser holidays

It’s a girl’s special day; men should pamper me.

Already getting sex. What more do you expect?

Desire as much pleasure as possible during sex

Women are encouraged to orgasm as fast and as much as she wants.

If I orgasm before her, I’m a failure.

Can’t cook. Don’t do housework.

I’m a liberated woman. I don’t have to do those things any more.

Lazy slob. You expect some woman to do that for you?

Into video games or anime

Guys still like you.

Loser nerd with no life.

Wait until marriage before sex

Pure and innocent; guys are expected to wait with you.

Creep! Religious nut!

Homo- or bisexual

Guys think you’re really hot.

Primary target of LGBT violence; males friends avoid you for fear someone will think they’re your sex partner.

Desire wide variety of clothing

Infinite choice.

Wear bland shirt and pants to work or they’ll think you’re gay.

Enjoy masturbation

Guys think you’re hot. No social stigma.

Loser! Get a girlfriend!

Horny, need a one-night stand

No problem.

Spend hours of multiple rejections while strangers tell you all your faults.

Dump your partner

You go, girl! He wasn’t good enough for you!

Playboy! And he probably cheated on her, too!

Crying, emotional

Men will comfort you.

Men and women alike think you’re a pussy.

Have a sexual fetish

That is so hot!

Get away, you weirdo!


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From You've Got Laughs! Al Lowe's Book of Internet Humor
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© 1998 - 2010 by Al Lowe • All Rights Reserved • Updated December 11, 2011