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Why did you leave your last job?

It sucked.

My talents and abilities were underutilized.

What are your biggest weaknesses?

I can't concentrate for more than five minutes, hate authority, and fall asleep at my desk.

I'm a workaholic. I just don't know when to put down my work.

You seem to have moved around a lot. Why should I think you'd stay here any longer than you've stayed elsewhere?

My previous employers preferred to keep competent employees.

I'm at a point in my career where I'm tired of moving around. I want to be part of a winning team where I can make a contribution.

How do you handle change?

I change everyday, unless I'm out of clean underwear.

I believe that today the only constant is change and I thrive on it.

How do you get along with others?

I basically hate people. Keep them out of my face.

The interpersonal dynamics of the work place are among the most satisfying aspects of any job.

What does the word "success" mean to you?

It means that I don't have to drag my sorry butt out of bed to kiss yours.

Success for me is knowing I make a difference working on a team that makes a profitable enterprise.

What does the word "failure" mean to you?

It means I continue to collect unemployment, if I get my 6-month extension.

Failure? I'm sorry, I don't know the meaning of that word. It's not in my vocabulary.

How do you get along with your current boss?

Fine, considering that he's a malicious jerk.

I don't think of him as a boss, but more of a mentor.

Do you ever get angry with your co-workers?

No, I don't get angry – I get even.

Nothing angers me more than to see a co-worker not pulling his weight. Sometimes that makes me angry.

May I contact your references?

Sure, but they don't know me.

I'll arrange for them to contact you.

What words best describe you?

Genius, horny, dog, clock watcher, unorganized, lazy.

Compassionate, creative, team player, organized, efficient.