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How to Simulate Being in the Navy

Lock all friends and family outside. Communicate only through letters that your neighbors hold for three weeks, discarding two out of every five.

Surround yourself with hundreds of people that you don’t know or like; people who smoke, snore and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.

Unplug all radios, TVs, and computers; cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time or Newsweek from five years ago to stay abreast of current events.

Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all information, regardless of how boring, i.e., plugged in, light still comes on when door opened, etc.

Don’t flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of forty people using one commode.

Lock the bathroom twice a day for four hours.

Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for twenty minutes.

Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep shearer.

Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or care if it’s day or night.

Listen to your favorite CD six times a day for weeks, then listen to music painful enough to cause you to return to your favorite CD.

Cut a twin mattress in half. Enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up. Place it on a platform four feet off the floor. Place a dead animal under the bed to simulate the odor of your bunkmates’ socks.

Set your alarm to go off at 10-minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and night crew bump around, waking you. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you’re tossed about the remaining hours. Install a custom clock to simulate random fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave rock band.

Buy week-old fruit and vegetables, then wait two weeks before eating them.

Prepare all meals blindfolded using either all the spices you have or none at all. Remove the blindfold. Eat everything in three minutes.

Periodically, shut off your main circuit breaker, run around shouting “Fire! Fire! Fire!”, then restore power.

At least once a month, block the commode, causing it to overflow, simulating a “black water system error.”

Buy a gas mask, smear it with rancid animal fat, scrub the face shield with steel wool, and then wear it for two hours every fifth day, especially when you are in the bathroom.

Memorize the owner’s manual for all household appliances. Routinely take appliances apart and put them back together.

Remove all plants, pictures and decorations, paint everything gray, white, or puke green.

Buy 50 cases of toilet paper. Lock up all but two rolls. Keep one of those two rolls wet at all times.

Smash your forehead or shin with a hammer at least every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard ships.

Make sandwiches with six-day-old bread.

Every ten weeks, simulate a visit to a port. Wearing your best clothes, go to the city slums, find a terrible bar, and order the most expensive beer they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home, but by the longest possible route. Tip the cabby even though he charges you double because you dress funny and don’t speak right.

Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.

Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate a ship’s de-desalination plant picking up jet fuel in its intake. If a lit match won’t light your coffee pot, add more kerosene.

Keep the bedroom thermostat at 40°. Use only a thin blanket for warmth.

Install a device on your water heater to vary randomly the water flow from a fast drip to a weak trickle, while alternating the temperature from 33° to 200°.

Use only giant, over-sized spoons.

Repaint the interior of your home monthly, whether it needs it or not.

Remind yourself every day: “It’s not just a job, it’s an adventure!”

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From You've Got Laughs! Al Lowe's Book of Internet Humor
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© 1998 - 2010 by Al Lowe • All Rights Reserved • Updated May 26, 2011