Back To Als Site
Back to Al's Text Humor Page

How to Amuse Yourself
on Halloween

Instead of candy, give away toothpicks.

Hide near your front door in costume until some trick-or-treaters approach, and then jump out holding a bag, yelling, “Trick or Treat!” Stare at them, scratch your head, and look confused.

Fill an old briefcase with rocks, in big letters label it, “Top Secret.” When trick-or-treaters arrive, look around suspiciously, and say, “It’s about time you got here!” Then give them the briefcase and slam the door.

Hand out old golf balls.

Get thirty people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell, “Surprise!” like it’s a surprise party.

Get each trick-or-treater to come inside and figure out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. “It’s making unnatural noises!”

Give them some candy but then hand them a bill.

Hand out aspirin.

Open the door dressed as a giant fish, collapse to the floor, and move nothing but your “gills.” Say nothing until they go away.

Answer the door, throw a candy bar out to the street, and scream, “Crawl for it, evil monstors!”

Answer the door. Act shocked, surprised, and scared. Scream your head off, slam the door, and run around the house, screaming, until they leave.

“No push-ups, no candy!”

Pass out menus and make them order their candy. Ask, “Would anyone like the wine list?”

Catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

When trick-or-treaters ring the doorbell, crawl out of a nearby window and run away from your house.

Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters as though confused. Flip through a calendar.

Hand out cigarettes.

Give trick-or-treaters colored eggs. If anyone asks, say, “We had them left from Easter!”

Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Give trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

Answer the door with a mouth full of chocolate, holding candy wrappers. Look surprised and insist, “No. We have no candy!”

Put a crown on a pumpkin. Put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Make every trick-or-treater, “Bow before King Pumpkin!”

Dress like a bride. Throw candy at trick-or-treaters like it’s rice. Slam the door.

Hand out bags of sand.