How To Sing the Blues
1. Most Blues begin woke up this
morning.
2. I got a good woman is a
bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something
nasty in right away:
I got a good womanwith the meanest face
in town.
3. Blues are simple. After you have
the first line right, repeat it. Then find something
that rhymes. Sort of.
I got a good womanwith the meanest face
in town.
I got a good womanwith the meanest face in
town.
She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weighs
500 pounds.
4. The Blues are not about limitless
choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch;
ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars are Chevies, Cadillacs
and broken-down trucks. Other acceptable Blues transportation
modes include Greyhound buses and southbound trains.
Walkin plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle.
So does fixin to die. Blues don't travel in
Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored
motor pools ain't even in the running.
6. Adults sing the Blues. Teenagers
cant sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to
die yet. In the Blues, "adulthood" means
old enough to get the electric chair when you shoot
that man in Memphis.
7. You can have the Blues in New York
City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times
in Vermont, Tucson, or North Dakota are just depression.
The best places to have the Blues are still Chicago,
St. Louis, and Kansas City. You cannot have the
blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness
ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness
is. Breaking your leg while skiing is not the blues.
Breaking your leg when your broken-down pickup truck
rolled over on it is.
9. The following colors do not
belong in the Blues: violet, beige, mauve (unless
youre truly desperate for a rhyme).
9. You cant have the Blues in
an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is just
plain wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit
by the dumpster.
10. Good places to have the Blues: the highway,
a jailhouse, an empty bed, the bottom of a whiskey
glass. Bad places to have the Blues: ashrams,
gallery openings, weekends in the Hamptons, golf
courses.
11. No one will believe its the Blues
if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old
black manand its an old black suit.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Answer Yes if:
a. your first name is a southern statelike
Georgia
b. youre blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you cant be satisfied.
Answer No if:
a. you once were blind but now can see.
b. youre deaf
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a trust fund or an IRA.
13. Blues is not about color, it's about
bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues; Gary Coleman
could. Ugly old white people got a leg up on the blues.
Julio Iglesias and Barbra Streisand will never sing
the Blues.
14. If you ask for water and baby gives
you gasoline, its the Blues. Other acceptable
Blues beverages are: wine, whiskey, muddy water, black
coffee. Blues beverages are NOT: mixed drinks, kosher
wine, sparkling water or Snapple (all flavors).
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a
shotgun shack, its a Blues death. Stabbed in
the back by a jealous lover is a Blues death. So is
substance abuse, the electric chair, or being denied
treatment in an emergency room. It is not a Blues death
to die during liposuction or from tennis elbow.
16. Excellent names for female Blues singers:
Sadie, Big Momma, Bessie, or Fat River Dumpling. Excellent
names for male Blues singers: Willie, Joe, Little Willie,
Lightning, or Big Willie. Singers with names like Muffy,
Sierra, Auburn, Sequoiz, Brittany or Rainbow are not
permitted to sing the Blues, no matter how many men
they shoot in Memphis.
17. The Build Your Own Blues Singer Name
Starter Kit:
a. Name of physical infirmity
(Blind, Cripple, Lame, Asthmatic)
b. First name (from above
lists) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last name
of a U. S. president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,
etc.)
Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Cripple Kiwi Fillmore,
etc. (Okay, maybe not "Kiwi"
)
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