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How To Get Rid Of
A Blind Date

1.      At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.

2.      Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

3.      Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

4.      Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

5.      Repeat every third third word you say say.

6.      Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.

7.      Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

8.      Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

9.      Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.

10.  Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

11.  Order a bucket of lard.

12.  Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

13.  Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.

14.  Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.

15.  Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself.

16.  Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.

17.  When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

18.  Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

19.  Drool.

20.  Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."

21.  Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

22.  Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the bathroom?!"

23.  Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

24.  Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.

25.  Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal.

26.  Ask your date how much money they have with them.

27.  Order for your date. Order something nasty.

28.  Refuse to communicate in anything but mime for the entire evening.

29.  Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

30.  Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.

31.  Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

32.  Fill your pockets with sugar packets as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e. anything that isn't bolted down.

33.  Hold a debate. Take both sides.

34.  Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.

35.  Auction your date off for silverware.

36.  Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

37.  Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back on your plate. Watch the waiter's face.

38.  Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.

39.  Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.

40.  Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

41.  Speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal.

42.  Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your date, with a straight face, "They need to air out."

43.  If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and say "Boy, did you get ripped off!"

44.  Bring 20 or so candles into the restaurant. During the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

45.  Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

46.  Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

47.  Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces. In a similar manner, insist that he take a bite of everything to make sure no one has poisoned your food.

48.  Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend like you have a secret microphone hidden on your body and you are talking the CIA.

49.  Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.

50.  Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

51.  Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.