Halloween Safety Advice
When it appears that you’ve killed the monster, never check to see if it’s dead.
Never read aloud from a book that summons demons.
If the power is out, do not search the basement.
If your children suddenly start speaking Latin or in another’s voice, just shoot them immediately. It will save you both a lot of grief in the long run. Use lots and lots of bullets.
When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off, or worse, go it alone.
Never stand in, on, or above, graves, tombs, or crypts.
If you hear a loud noise, search for its cause, and think it’s just the cat, it’s never the cat!
If appliances that start operating on their own, don’t check for short circuits. Just get out!
Do not take anything from the dead.
If a town looks deserted, there’s a good reason. Do not stop to look around.
Never fool around with recombinant DNA.
Stay away from Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, and any small town in Maine.
If your house is built upon an old cemetery, move in with your in-laws. Ditto if the previous inhabitants went mad, or died horrible deaths, or performed satanic practices.
If you run out of gas at night on a lone road, do not go to a nearby deserted house to phone. If the tank is half-full, just shoot yourself immediately. You are going to die anyway and this way, you won’t get eaten.