Dear DiaryDay 1We just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary without much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Day 2Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why not tell me something I don’t know! He actually thinks I haven’t noticed. Day 3This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears. Day 4A miracle! A new drug will fix his “problem.” It’s called Viagra. He says if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something besides his mood. Day 5What absolute bliss! Day 6Isn’t life wonderful? But it’s difficult to write while he’s doing that! Day 7This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it’s very nice -- I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy. Day 8I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. Also, I’m getting a little sore. Day 9No time to write. He might catch me. Day 10Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with whiskey! What am I going to do? Day 11Basically, I’m being screwed to death. This is like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt! He’s a complete pig. Day 12I wish he was gay. I’ve stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth, and bathing but still he comes after me! Even yawning is now dangerous! Day 13Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a SCUD missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that “Oops, sorry!” thing again, I’m gonna kill that bastard. Day 14I’ve done everything I can to turn him off. Nothing works. Even dressing like a nun just made him hornier. Help me! Day 15I think I’ll have to kill him. I stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won’t go near him and our friends don’t come over any more. Last night I told him to go fuck himself -- and he did! Day 16The bastard has started to complain about getting headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac. Day 17Switched the pills but it doesn’t seem to have made any difference. Christ! Here he comes again! Day 18He’s back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to wait on him. What bliss! |