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Daily Canine Routine

A dog’s day is divided into two important sections: Mealtime and Everything Else.


1. Just because there’s nothing visible to eat does not mean there’s nothing to eat. Staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food.

2. Carefully check the lower third of any space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified by sight or smell are considered gum.

3. When you receive a meal, submerge your head in it as you would a shower. Never look up until at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. Just because your dish is empty does not mean it’s time to stop eating.

4. All food is potentially yours until it is actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path food takes between plate and mouth is a good time to stake your claim to it.

5. When selecting appropriate beverages, location and packaging mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.

6. If you see something you really want and all your other attempts to get it have failed, grovel shamelessly. Also: stare intently at the object of your desire, while allowing long gelatinous drools to hang like icicles from your lower lip.

Everything Else

1. There are only two facial expressions: complete overwhelming joy and nothing at all.

2. Any time that is not mealtime is naptime. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name called. The best location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing position is on your side with all four limbs parallel.

3. To get dry, shake violently near a fully-clothed person or stand on light-colored furniture.

4. Personal Safety

A. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room barking loudly. If someone enters the house, rush to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have to force you away physically.

B. The greatest threat to life is squirrels. No matter what, be sure there are none in your yard.

5. Recreation and Leisure

A. Ball: There are two equally amusing rules: return all thrown balls or, the preferred form, eat all thrown balls.

B. Car: Any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once in, your only goal is to get out.

6. Health

A. In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.