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Cyber Break-Up LetterDear [insert screen name here] I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action: _____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of brb gotta pee took out some of the romance. _____ You hurt my feelings when you referred to me as the ol cyber ball and chain. _____ Ive found another lover; one who, unlike you, knows the importance of good punctuation. _____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest: _____ You typed: I remove my bra when you were supposed to be a man. _____ You typed: I enter you when you were supposed to be a woman. _____ You typed your own name at the end. _____ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel. _____ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me. _____ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy. _____ I finally opened the file with your
_____ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges. _____ Mommy says I need to spend less time on the computer. _____ Your Mommy called me and yelled at me because of all the time youre spending on the computer. _____ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the end times come. They are closer than you think. _____ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating. _____ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole. _____ I am entering the witness protection program. Please understand,
that there is nothing personal in this. Weve simply grown apart. Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,
[your alias] |