Back To Als Site
Back to Al's Text Humor Page

Cool Things About
Being A Guy

  1. A beer gut doesn't make us invisible to the opposite sex.
  2. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  3. All movie nudity is female.
  4. Bachelor parties kick bridal showers' ass.
  5. Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
  6. Baywatch!
  7. Belches are tolerated.
  8. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  9. Chocolate is merely another snack.
  10. Christmas shopping for 25 relatives can be easily accomplished on December 24th in 45 spare minutes.
  11. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob us blind.
  12. ESPN's SportsCenter.
  13. Every orgasm is real.
  14. Everything on our face stays its original color.
  15. Flowers and/or duct tape can fix everything.
  16. Foreplay is optional.
  17. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
  18. Guys in hockey masks never attack us.
  19. Hot wax never comes near our pubic area.
  20. If someone forgets to invite us to something, he can still be our friend.
  21. If something mechanical doesn't work, we can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
  22. If we don't call our buddy when we say we will, he won't tell our other friends we've changed.
  23. If we retain water, it's in a canteen.
  24. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
  25. Michael Bolton doesn't live in our universe.
  26. Monday Night Football.
  27. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle our feet.
  28. No coworker has the power to make us cry.
  29. Nobody secretly wonders whether we swallow.
  30. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when we enter the room.
  31. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
  32. Old friends don't give a damn whether we've gained or lost weight.
  33. One mood, all the time
  34. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
  35. Our ass is never a factor in job interviews.
  36. Our belly usually hides our fat ass.
  37. Our last name stays put.
  38. Our pals will never trap us with, "So? Notice anything different?"
  39. People never glance at our chest when we're talking to them.
  40. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  41. Porn movies are designed especially for us.
  42. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
  43. Same work...more pay!
  44. Sex never makes us worry about our reputation.
  45. Someday we'll be dirty old men.
  46. The garage is all ours.
  47. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
  48. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  49. The remote control is ours and ours alone.
  50. The same hairstyle lasts for years.
  51. The world is our urinal.
  52. There's always a game on somewhere.
  53. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  54. Toilet cleaning is optional.
  55. Two guys who show up at a party wearing the same outfit may end up lifelong buddies.
  56. Underwear is $6.95 a three-pack.
  57. We almost never have strap problems in public.
  58. We are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
  59. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
  60. We can "do" our nails with a pocketknife.
  61. We can admire Clint Eastwood without starving ourselves to look like him.
  62. We can be President.
  63. We can be showered and ready to go in ten minutes.
  64. We can buy condoms without shopkeepers imagining us naked.
  65. We can drop by to see a friend without bringing a gift.
  66. We can eat a banana in a hardware store.
  67. We can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
  68. We can go to the bathroom without a support group.
  69. We can kill our own food.
  70. We can leave a hotel bed unmade.
  71. We can open our own jars.
  72. We can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
  73. We can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me!"
  74. We can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "Aw, screw it!"
  75. We can say anything without worrying about what people will think.
  76. We can scratch wherever and whenever it itches.
  77. We can sit with our knees apart no matter what we're wearing.
  78. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
  79. We can whip off our shirts on a hot day.
  80. We can write our name in the snow.
  81. We don't care if someone talks about us behind our backs.
  82. We don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices our new haircut or not.
  83. We don't have to clean up just because the maid is coming.
  84. We don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night.
  85. We don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
  86. We don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with us everywhere we go.
  87. We don't have to monitor our friends' sex lives.
  88. We don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
  89. We don't have to shave below the neck.
  90. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  91. We don't mooch others' desserts.
  92. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  93. We get to jump up and slap stuff.
  94. We get to think about sex 90% of our waking hours.
  95. We have a normal and healthy relationship with our mothers.
  96. We have freedom of choice concerning mustache growth.
  97. We know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
  98. We know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes.
  99. We needn't pretend we're "freshening up" just to go to the bathroom.
  100. We never have to clean a toilet.
  101. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's "just too icky."
  102. We never have to worry about other people's feelings.
  103. We never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean our lover's about to leave us.
  104. We never miss a sexual opportunity because we're "not in the mood."
  105. We never say, "If you don't know what's wrong, I'm not going to tell you!"
  106. We never try to stop a pal from getting laid.
  107. We see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
  108. We think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
  109. We understand why Stripes is funny.
  110. Wedding dress: $2,500. Tuxedo rental: $100.
  111. Weddings plan themselves.
  112. When changing channels, we don't stall out every time we see someone crying.
  113. When our work is criticized, we don't panic that everyone secretly hates us.
  114. With 400 million sperm per shot, we could theoretically double the Earth's population in 15 tries.
  115. Wrinkles add character.

And a Few Things That Are Not Cool

  1. You have to take out the garbage.
  2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $260,000.
  3. No sofas in your restrooms.
  4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
  5. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
  6. James Bond movies only come out every two years.
  7. "Ribbed" for her pleasure-not yours.
  8. You have to wear ties.
  9. No way in hell can you flirt your way out of a traffic ticket.
  10. "Women and children first."