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Actual(?) Sports Quotes

“I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect.” — Doug Sanders, professional golfer

“All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, ‘See? There’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.’ ” — Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher

“Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.” — Harry Neale, professional hockey coach

“When it’s third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.” — Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver

“I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having trouble.” — Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager

“My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.” — E. J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations

“My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren’t as good.” — Vic Braden, tennis instructor

“Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.” — Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver

“When they operated, I told them to put in a Koufax fastball. They did - but it was Mrs. Koufax’s.” — Tommy John N.Y. Yankees recalling his 1974 arm surgery

“I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.” — Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback, when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles

“The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.” — Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lop-sided loss to the Atlanta Falcons

“When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.” — Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher

“The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.” — Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach

“I have discovered, in twenty years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats.” — Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner

“Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.” — Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back, on why his marriage ceremony was early in the morning

“I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.” — Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach

“I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.” — Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game

“I tell him, ‘Attaway to hit, George.’ ” — Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting

“I learned a long time ago that ‘minor surgery’ is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.” — Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers

“Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.” — George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach, surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.

From You've Got Laughs! Al Lowe's Book of Internet Humor
coming soon from www.allowe.com