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Actual(?) Police Arrest Remarks

“Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

“Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poo.”

“How big were those ‘Just two beers’ you say you had?”

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

“I’m glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours. Maybe he will post your bail.”

“In God we trust. All others we run through NCIC.”

“No, sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

“Relax. Those handcuffs are only tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

“Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but it won’t help. Did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

“You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write any speed I want to on this ticket then, huh?”

“You think we don’t give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here!”