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Actual(?) Doctors’ Notes

Comments allegedly made by real doctors on patients' charts.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Bladder is under control, but cannot stop urine from seeping.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Complains of chest pain occasionally. Otherwise just a pain.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

Heart problem is fixed. Patient died at 10:07 this morning.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

If it weren’t for the fact that the patient is dead, I would say he was in perfect health.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Patient is always telling me about her pains and problems.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. X, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

She is numb from her toes down.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Testicles are missing on this woman.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

The blood workup showed no antibodies present. Need the rest of the blood to be sure, however.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

The skin was moist and dry.

This remains a significant pain to me.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.