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Actual Courtroom Testimony

Actual things that actual people actually said in actual courtrooms, presented here word for word. Maybe.

1.  Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

2.  Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

3.  Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

4.  Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

5.  Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

6.  Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

7.  Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

8.  Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

9.  Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.

10. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: “What disco am I at?”

11. Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

12. Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

13. Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

14. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

15. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

16. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

17. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

19. Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

20. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

21. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

22. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar!
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

23. Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

24. Q: What happened then?

A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
A: Did he kill you?

25. Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

26. Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?

27. Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

29. Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.

A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

29. Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

30. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

31. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?

A: I'll be three months on Nov. 8.
Q: Apparently, then the date of conception was Aug. 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

32. Q: So you were gone until you returned?

33. Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

34. Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

35. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?

A: Not yet.

36. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?

A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started at about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?

37. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.

38. Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

39. Q: What is your name?

A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair.
Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A: My ex-widow said it.

40. Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?

A: Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

41. Q: Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?

A: I should be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.

42. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?

43. Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?

44. A: Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.

45. Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

46. Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?

A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.

47. Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

Q: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

48. Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, okay? What school do you go to?

A: Oral.
Q: How old are you?
A: Oral.

49. Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?

A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

50. Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

51. Q: ...and what did he do then?

A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

52. Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?

A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

53. Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?

A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

54. Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?

A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

55. Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?

A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that son of a bitch—and she did!

56. Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?

A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

57. Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?

A: The victim lived.

58. Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

59. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

60. Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?

A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

61. Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?

A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A: That is the only kind I know.