Freddy Pharkas, Frontier Pharmacist
Manual
Introduction
Mankind has made phenomenal strides in the diagnosis and treatment
of disease. No longer are we taking the naive viewpoint of our
ancestors, pointing our fingers at the sick and scabrous and crying,
"Gadzooks, he's infested by evil spirits and daemons!"
No, we now know that the root causes of disease are far less ethereal
and far more commonplace: some are caused by the collection of
toxins within the system, and some are caused by poorly-shaped
or missing bumps on the skull. The former we shall address in
this, "The Modern Day Book of Health and Hygiene"; the
latter is well covered in my companion volume, "The Modern
Day Book of Sharp Blows to the Head."
To effectively use this book, you will want to stock your medicine
chest with the various items listed in part 1, "The Household
Pharmacopoeia." Every item listed can be located for purchase
at your local general merchandise store, at a large metropolitan
pharmacy, or from me at my associated firm, Lipschitz Excelsior
Total Chemicals and Household Supplies, Catalog available upon
request; we feature top-quality merchandise at competitive prices.
Write me in care of my publisher and we'll have you stocked and
fully prepared for all medical emergencies and home treatments
in a thrice.
In the reference section, you'll find an alphabetical listing of
many common ailments and disease, as well as a complete description
of the most modern and up-to-date treatments medical science and
phrenology have to offer. Some of the treatments are cross- referenced
under their own headings, for ease of use.
Although we have taken great pains to make this the most complete
and comprehensive home physician book available, there are no
doubt questions you may have concerning treatments and recuperative
processes. We will be utterly happy to answer any and all questions
put to us, via post, at the nominal charge of $0.55 per question.
Stamps are not accepted.
Herewith, then, to your good health, good fortune, and good healing!
PART I: The Household Pharmacopoeia
The following is a list of desirable household equipment for proper
treatment of common ailments, and for creating the balms, salves,
liquids and tablets described forthwith. All items may be purchased
through us or at finer pharmacological equipment stores nationwide.
Note: the usual household medicine cabinet is somewhat on the small
side for the amount of equipment we suggest. Therefore, we also
recommend a larger than average medicine cabinet to hold this
equipment. Something about the size of a small banquet hall should
be sufficient.
- Alcohol Lamp
- Balance & Weights
- Bandages
- Beakers, Assorted Sizes
- Bottles, Assorted Sizes
- Burette Corks, Assorted Sizes
- Cotton Balls
- Cotton Swabs
- Crosscut Saw
- Crucible Flasks, Assorted Sizes
- Funnels, Assorted Sizes
- Graduated Cylinder
- Undergraduated Cylinder
- Post-Graduated Cylinder
- Litmus Paper
- Gas Spectroscope
- Measuring Spoons
- Medical Dispensing Papers
- Medicine Dropper
- Mortar & Pestle
- Petri Dishes, Assorted Sizes
- Pill-making Machine
- Pipettes
- Pumice Stones
- Retort
- Router
- Spatulas
- Test Tubes
- Test Tube Rack or Holder
- Thermometer (ORAL)
- Thermometer (RECTAL)
- Thermometer (NASAL)
- Thermometer (OUTDOOR)
- Tourniquets
You will also require the following chemicals and perishables:
AFRINIMIACIDE
A powerful anti-swelling agent. See: NOSE DROPS
AMINOPHYLLIC CITRATE
An extremely powerful cure for temporary (Non-Acute) flatulence,
in man or beast. Should Aminophyllic Citrate be unavailable, it
may be created in the home laboratory: Combine 40 Grams Sodium
Bicarbonate with 15 ml Furachlordone. Pour into beaker. Dilute
with water to make
100 ml. Add 5 grams Magnesium Sulfate, stir the mixture well using
only a pure glass rod. Pour into medicine bottle and cork. Mix
1:1000 with water.
AMMONIA
A colorless, pungent gas, achieved through dry distillation of
nitrogenous organic bodies such as blood and bones. Not recommended
for synthesis at home. When infused with water, often called "Spirits
of Hartyshorn". Soluble ammonia is a decent disinfectant...
and it doesn't leave streaks!
AMMONIUM CARBONATE
Pungent crystals, often called "Smelling Salts".
ANALGESIC RUB
One of the greatest hoaxes ever perpetrated upon the unwitting
public, and a darn fine one, too. Does not actually provide any
medication as analgesics work on the brain and not on localized
sites. However by creating a stinging or burning discomfort on
the skin, it effectively distracts from the ache or pain for which
the rub is used. See: RUBEFACENT. Often fools senior citizens
and adults; unfortunately children cannot be deceived quite as
easily. A jocular item to keep around the locker room.
ANESTHETIC
Important to have at all times. Whisky and other high-proof alcoholic
beverages will serve; ether, chloroform and a sharp blow to the
head will also suffice. Biting down on bullets is only recommended
provided the bullet is facing outward from the head and away from
innocent bystanders. ANTACID There are numerous antacids available.
Most appear to be combinations of Sodium Bicarbonate and Calcium
Carbonate. See: SODIUM BICARBONATE, CALCIUM CARBONATE. Extract
of Swiss Lemon Creme is useful to make these more palatable.
ASPIRIN
An antipyretic, antirheumatic, analgesic pill consisting of the
acetyl derivative of salicylic acid. So far, the basic usage seems
to be for keeping cut flowers from wilting, but new experimental
uses are being explored all the time.
BALM
An ointment or liniment, rubbed on external sites to provide temporary
symptomatic relief of aches, pains, bruises and other localized
pain. Oil of Belladonna and Nightshade Jelly are two particularly
effective balms; however, it is inadvisable to take them internally.
BIMETHYLQUINOLINE
A crystalline substance used in the manufacture of certain drugs.
Hard-to-find but well worth a trip to the Joliet Bimenthylquinnoline
Mines to pick up some freshly hewn granules.
BISALICYLATE ANTITOXIDENE
Has been found to be an effective, albeit highly powerful, compound
in the correction of diarrhea, although it is not normally recommended
for individuals due to its extreme concentration and possibility
for overdose, with subsequent dire consequences. Best when taken
with vast quantities of water. Storage may be a problem due to
short shelf life. May be synthesized as follows: Combine 25 ml
of Bismuth Subsalicylate with 5 ml of Orphenamethihydride in a
test tube. Heat over flame until mixture begins to boil. Pour
into medicine bottle and cork. Remove from flame and dilute with
one thousand gallons of water (approximately). Makes enough Bisalicylate
Antitoxidene for four thousand doses.
BISMUTH ENTEROSALICYLINE
Used in the compounding of drugs such as BeinByate, Lezl-E Neelcin,
Sudabum, and Quinotrazate.
BISMUTH SUBSALICYLATE
Primarily prescribed as a stool darkener. Some believe it to be
efficacious in a variety of digestive aids.
BLEACH
A catchall name for any of a variety of chemicals which can leech
color, but often referring specifically to Sodium Hypochlorite,
an oxidizing compound. Sodium Hypochlorite can also be used as
a decontamination agent for various types of gases. Apply to liver
spots thrice daily; will not eradicate liver spots but will certainly
irritate them into forming scabs, thus disguising them.
BORAX
Also known as "20 Mule Team Borax". A white crystalline
compound used as an antiseptic, as a food preservative, for various
medical purposes and as a flux. Found native as "tincal"
and with a sweet, alkaline taste.
BORIC ACID
A white crystalline compound, used as a mild antiseptic and sometimes
as a preservative. Found in volcanic lagoons of Tuscany, Italy.
Really.
CAFFEINE
A relatively new ingredient in the home medicine arsenal. Currently
used mainly as a flavoring agent in coffee, chocolate, and the
new carbonated beverages. But believed by many modern-day physicians
to soothe agitated nerves and calm excitable children. Experimentation
is currently underway to confirm this.
CALAMINE LOTION
A soothing pink lotion consisting of zinc and ferric oxide in
a suspension. Useful for a variety of skin ailments. Comforting
to victim, only because it brings to mind when grandma used to
take you for long walks in the poison ivy and then had to slather
you with the stuff afterwards. Remember?
CALCIUM CARBONATE
Used to provide that much sought-after "chalky" texture
for antacids, laxatives, diuretics, and other bowel related liquid
medications. Can be synthesized in the home thusly: Take one 5-inch
length of schoolhouse chalk. Grind in a mortar until a fine powdery
consistency is achieved. Use 1 gm powder per dosage as recommended.
CALCIUM CITRATE
Added to make certain children's medication more palatable. In
pill-based medications, imparts a malleable texture allowing you
to mold the pills into the dinosaur shapes children love to eat
(except for Betty)!
CARBON
Also known as granulated charcoal. Despite the mess and inconvenience,
carbon makes a serviceable deodorant, and can even be used to
filter some gaseous fumes, such as methane, from air to make it
breathable. Cheap and readily available.
CASTOR OIL
Primarily used to prove to children who's really the boss around
this house, and you're gonna take this and go straight to bed
or wish you had of!
CHLOROFORM
A delightful additive to heighten the enjoyment gained from certain
highly-alcoholic remedies and elixirs. Also used as a sedative
with humans and animals.
CODEINE
The narcotic of choice when compounding expectorants and couch
suppressants. May create nausea upon consumption; fortunately,
the narcotic effect ensures that the patient does not care about
the nausea.
COPPER SULFATE
Bluestone. Used to achieve a pleasant color in many preparations.
Can also be added to non-medicated drinks to produce bizarre and
amusing effects. Breaks the ice at parties.
COUGH DROPS
Edible tablets of soothing or medicinally-treated candy.
COUGH SYRUP
Some suppress coughs, some cause the patient to expectorate
(cough up phlegm). Preparations that claim to do both are useless
and cancel each other out. Can be synthesized at home as follows:
to 20 ml Mercuriomuculate Dioxide, add 15 gm Essence of Butyrachrome.
Heat slowly until dissolved. Cool. Stopper. Shake. Dosage: 1 tsp
per hour as needed.
DIURETIC
A medication that stimulates the secretion and flow of urine.
Beer appears to be extremely efficacious. The saying goes, "You
cant buy a diuretic... you can only rent one!"
EAR DROPS
Often a gentle formulation of Hydrogen Peroxide, designed to slowly
dissolve accumulations of ear wax that may be causing blockages
or exacerbating infections. Use caution when applying; remember
the rule of thumb: never place anything larger than your elbow
in your ear.
ELIXIR
A general term used in hundreds of liquid "patent medicines".
May contain herbal or synthetic chemicals, or a combination of
those. Most elixirs have, in common, an extremely high alcohol
content, often up to 95% of the contents of the bottle. Thus,
they may be more effective in creating flames than in battling
illness.
ENTEROMAGNELINE
Used in the formulation of Testostearate, Einbinder Digestive
Salts, Myomiomy, and other remedies. Warning: Should not be consumed
by those with "I'm allergic to Enteromagneline" medic
alert badges, medic alert rings, medic alert necklaces, medic
alert cloisonnes, or medic alert cameos.
EPSOM SALTS See: MAGNESIUM SULFATE
ESTROSTERANE
Can be used tom prevent conception after marital relations. Normally
available only by prescription. May be produced in the home as
follows: Grind 15 gm of Bimethylquinoline crystals and 15 gm of
powdered Metyraphosphate in a mortar. Prepare 5 gm dosages on
pure sheets of medicinal dispensing paper. Recommended maximum
dosage: 1 box of six.
ETHYL ALCOHOL
The woman who invented the hangover. Also a convenient fluid in
which to dissolve many compounds, having a higher solvency factor
than plain, boring old water.
EYE DROPS
Despite claims to the contrary, water is all that is needed in
most cases where eye drops or eyewash is required. Eye drops may
be useful to flush foreign objects from the surface of the eyeball,
or to moisten dry eyes. To prevent dry eyes, try not to rub your
eyes with a rough, absorbent towel.
EYEWASH See: Eye Drops
FORMALDEHYDE
A toxic, unpleasantly-scented preserving gel. Should any organs
or limbs need to be preserved for any reason, plunge immediately
into a jar of formaldehyde once the vital fluids have been drained.
FURACHLORDONE
Used in the manufacture of Aminophyllic Citrate, Limnotic Knidphyte,
Chloroslychmun, and other popular medications. Also useful as
a topical remedy for poison ivy, poison oak, poison sumac, poison
honeysuckle, and poison lily-of-the- valley.
IPECAC
Usually proffered in syrup form. Causes instant and severe vomiting,
useful in the event of accidental poisoning. Also tremendous fun
when secretly added to the chocolate syrup dispensers of competing
pharmacies.
ISOPROPYL ALCOHOL
Used in perfumery and as a solvent; can also be used for rubdowns
and as a topical refresher. Bracing. Do Not Drink
LAXATIVE
A purgative; something that enables the body to better void or
eliminate fecal matter. Psyllium husk is a good natural laxative;
many fiber-rich foods also have a natural laxative effect. See:
CALCIUM CARBONATE, MILK OF MAGNESIA, MINERAL OIL, PSYLLIUM.
LEECHES
They're not just for breakfast anymore! Yes, we've discovered
that leeches are not only superb delicacies, but useful for cleansing
the blood and removing toxins. Standard dosage: three leeches
at a time, left for one hour. To draw blood from localized injuries,
place the leeches on the bruised or contused sites.
LINIMENT See: BALM
LOTION
A medicated liquid, usually thick and creamy, used for cleansing
or to aid in healing any diseased or contused external area. Most
topical remedies may be made into a lotion by suspending in a
lanolin Solution.
MAGNESIUM SULFATE
Commonly known as "Epsom Salts". Not useful per se as
a medication or component, but definitely helpful when your epsoms
taste a little too bland.
MERCURIC CHLORIDE
Also referred to as "Zenker's Solution". A strength-building
compound useful as an adjunct in male hormone treatments. In just
seven days, it can make you a man!
MERCUROCHROME
Dyes minor flesh wounds bright pink, making them easier for others
to spot and comment upon. No medical value whatsoever.
METYRAPHOSPHATE
An anti-conceptuant when used in conjunction with Bimethylquinoline
according to laboratory specs.
MILK OF MAGNESIA
A milky aqueous suspension of magnesium hydroxide; useful as both
a laxative and antacid. See: ANTACID, LAXATIVE. And it tastes
good, too! See: CALCIUM CARBONATE
MINERAL OIL
A generic term encompassing various oils derived from inorganic
matter, esp. petroleum & petroleum byproducts An effective
laxative, See: Laxative. Really really nasty stuff.
MUSTARD PLASTER
A thick poultice of powdered mustard and flour, used as a counterirritant
and rubefacient.
NEO-SYNECTIDE
A powerful anti-swelling agent, used in nose drops and asthma
medications See: NOSE DROPS
NITRABYLOCYNINE
By itself, an emollient, but when combined with compounds to be
orally ingested, Nitrabylocynine aids in the absorption through
the stomach lining, Gives you that "get up and GO!"
feeling (as well as that "get out of the way!" feeling).
NOSE DROPS
In case of blockage of the nasal passages, nose drops may be prescribed
to shrink swelling of the mucus membranes and thus open breathing
tubes. Unfortunately, most nose drops result in "Rebound
Effect" wherein once the effects of the drops have worn off,
the membranes re-engorge, often to an even greater extent. Disgusting
but profitable for the pharmacist!
ORPHENAMETHIHYDRIDE
A desalinization compound. Also a handy substitute for vermouth.
PEPTICLYMACINE TETRAZOLE
Effective aid in treatment of the vapors. Available from Furnette
Formulas, Cincinnati , Ohio. Pepticlymacine Tetrazole is an acceptable
substitute for Tyloxpolynide. Dispense at 40 ml per bottle.
PETROLEUM JELLY
A think get of petroleum byproduct, useful to cover first degree
burns or to help in the hydration of chapped or dry skin. Also
makes a fabulous skin lubricant for those occasions when you anticipate
rubbing a lot of skin together.
QUINOTRAZATE
A highly efficacious and useful mediation when taken orally at
a dosage of NTE 60 mg/day. To prepare: to 15 ml. of Dismuth Enterosalicyline,
add 30 gm of Phenodol Oxytriglychlorate to produce Quinotrazate.
Mix together in a glass beaker. Stir the mixture well using only
a pure clean glass rod. Process into pill form. Usual dosage is
21 pills.
STYPTIC PENCIL
A white chalk-like tube of highly astringent compound, designed
specifically to staunch the flow of blood, especially in shaving
accidents. Less useful for larger wounds, such as those involving
farm equipment. Indirectly useful for stimulating tear ducts and
provoking loud sounds. Available from Ow-Chi Imports, Philadelphia,
Pennsylvania.
SUPPOSITORIES
A most unusual and intriguing means of delivering medication to
the lower bowels and sigmoid. Consists of a medicated lozenge
which dissolves at body temperature, inserted rectally. Good for
the treatment of hemorrhoids and Gere's Gerbil Syndrome.
TESTOSTERATE
5 ml. of Testosterate administered orally twice daily will add
masculinity to the lightest male. To prepare: Combine 10 ml. of
Phenolsulphonphthalien liquid with 30 gm. of Enteromagneline powder
in a beaker. Bring to a boil. Allow to cool ever so slightly before
adding 5 gm. of Reserpicline Oxide. Dilute with enough Nitrabylocynine
to make 75 ml. of Testosterate. Stir. Pour into medicine bottle
and cork.
TETRACYCLINE
An experimental drug, but one worth taking for certain unmentionable
diseases (like the Pox... whoops, now we mentioned it). Try 500
mg 4x daily for 10 days. Sure did the trick for me; now Lulu and
I are good friends again.
THIOURACILIUM
First of a new class of drugs called "analgesics," designed
to relieve tension and ache in the anal region. Two tablets every
four hours as needed.
TYLOXPOLYNIDE
An effective aid in the treatment of the vapors. Not possible
to synthesize in the home laboratory, however, substitutions are
permissible. (See: PEPTICLYMACINE TETRAZOLE.) Available from D.
B. Aze & Sons, Baltimore, Maryland.
UREAPHILOFINE
Liquid version of Ureaphine, used to alleviate the dreaded "purple
urine" syndrome common to small children who have ingested
purple crayons. A highly specialized drug, but keep it on hand
just in case.
VALERECTAL DINOCTUM
Similar in function to Syrup of Ipecac, but causes reverse peristalsis
in the sigmoid. Creates a loud case of acute borgrythmus and prevents
the patient from evacuating for at least 12 hours. Useful when
the plumbing is out.
WISMUTOXYJODOGENOMYLON
Often prescribed to treat bruises and contusions of the tongue,
normally brought on by attempting to pronounce the name of the
chemical. An ingenious drug, albeit with limited usage.
WITCH HAZEL
A North American shrub, the fluid extract of which makes an extremely
effective astringent, tightening and drying the skin. This makes
it useful for cleansing acne of other oily skin, soothing bruises
and sprains, refreshing, etc. Also spelled "wych hazel."
PART 2
HOME PROCEDURES
In an emergency, prompt and courteous treatment is a must. The
guide below will instruct you in providing aid for the most mundane
illnesses and conditions, from setting a broken leg to reviving
the victim of a heart attack. More serious emergencies had best
be referred to your local physician or hospital.
ACNE
Acne was once thought to be an eruption of bad yellow bile. Technically,
while it still appears to be an eruption of bad yellow bile, we
know it to be caused by foreign goods, such as the French food
pommes de terr frites, Swiss chocolate, etc. Curiously, acne appears
to subside with the cessation of the process known as "pubescence,"
but upon examination, this is logical: during pubescence, there
is a craving for exotic foods and the need to "break away"
or "rebel" from more proper foods such as corn meal
mush, cactus and buffalo. Until these urges abate post-pubescence,
a return to the basics will go a long way to alleviate most serious
acne. And occasions facial scrubbing with lye soap and a pumice
stone is also recommended to remove those annoying pustules!
BROKEN BONES
These are a common hazard and, contrary to popular belief, do
not require professional medical attention. If a limb is broken,
merely adjust the bones using a straightedge ruler until they
line up properly. Then bind the bones with a "splint"
(a two-by-four tied with several kerchiefs) so that they remain
in line for at least a week or two. The break, once healed, will
actually be stronger than the original bone... although we do
NOT recommend you break each and every bone just to create stronger
and healthier limbs!
Occasionally, bones other than limbs will also break (ribs, skull,
pelvis, shoulder blades); these cannot be set using a splint.
Fortunately, these tend to heal on their own when left alone.
Try to avoid placing undue or uncomfortable pressure on these
bones for several weeks or until firmly set.
BRUISES
These are simply the result of broken blood vessels underneath
the skin, a natural and spontaneous occurrence which should not
be viewed as serious. However, they are unsightly and can be painful.
See the above Pharmacopoeia for several alleviating substances,
most notably the application of several leeches to the immediate
area. The discoloration should quickly subside.
Note that in some cases, the bruises may actually swell or raise
the surface of the skin. These are merely pools of blood; to eradicate
the swelling, simply "squish" the blood around to the
surround tissue and even out the surface. This is best accomplished
with a standard kitchen rolling pin.
BURNS
There is a saying in the medical profession: "The only people
who get burns are the people that deserve them." This is
our way of saying that burns can nearly always be prevented simply
by being attentive, aware, alert and intelligent.
Nonetheless, there are many -- most notably children -- who will
occasionally suffer from burns. In either event, the application
of a soothing balm or calamine lotion will aid in healing and
reduce the chance of infection. However, it is generally understood
by doctors that they will not treat burns that were arrive at
through the clumsiness and stupidity. Pain and a rapidly spreading
infection are excellent and constant reminders of the need to
be cautious when dealing with heat and flame.
CHOKING
Choking is caused by a foreign object or wayward chunk of food
being lodged in the windpipe. Fast, thoughtful action is a must
if choking victim is going to be saved from asphyxiation.
First, ascertain that the victim is indeed choking. If the victim
gags violently and turns blue, this may simply mean that the victim
has swallowed something extremely cold and distasteful. Cover
the victim with blankets and provide plenty of strongly flavored
hot tea.
Should you determine that the victim is indeed choking, the first
course of action is to force the victim to swallow as much liquid
as possible; the weight of the liquid may be enough to propel
the lodged object further down the gulled and, eventually, into
the stomach where it belongs.
If this does not seem to work, take your command household plunger
(also knows as the "plumber's helper") and apply it
around the mouth and nose of the victim. Three of four quick plunges
will dislodge any item. Sometimes just the smell of the thing
will help bring something up!
COLDS & INFLUENZA
The saying goes, "Feed a fever, starve a cold." Mankind
has yet to determine the precise cause of the common cold. We
are, though, reasonably sure that certain activities can trigger
the onset of a cold: walking in cold weather without a coat of
some sort; sitting in a both whose water has gone cold; getting
wet and not drying off promptly.
While there is no cure for a cold, there are symptomatic treatments.
How beverages will soothe a sore throat and promote the loosening
of phlegm in the chest. Placing ice cubes in the nostril will
draw the cold up and out the nose, away from the chest and throat.
Attaching clothes pins to the lips will push infected blood away
from the head and closer to the heart, where the immune system
ins strongest. And placing a vacuum pump down the esophagus will
help draw away the accumulated phlegm.
While none of these treatments will cure the cold, they will go
a long way towards making the cold sufferer more comfortable.
CONSTIPATION
Constipation is an unnatural hardening of the stool, making voiding
difficult and strenuous. If unchecked, it can lead to hemorrhoids
and other afflictions of the lower bowels.
The key to curing a bout of constipation is to eat plenty of soft,
liquidy foods. Some of the best are: soft or melted cheese, milk,
butter, eggs, cooked beef and melted chocolate. Laxatives such
as Psyllium are also recommended, but only when more natural remedies
fail.
CORNS
Corns are horny thickening of cuticle, typically found on the
feet; in animals, esp. horses, corns refer to a morbid condition
of the fore hoof resulting in inflammation of the horn (produced
by tissue damage to the sole). Corns can usually be made better
simply by picking at them; soaking them briefly to soften them
first helps make them more pickable.
CROUP
Can refer either to a general inflammation of the larynx, resulting
in a painful spasm or cough, or to a specific condition in which
a false membrane develops over the throat accompanying the coughing
and spasms.
Croup is best treated by the ingestion of hard, rough-textured
food such as rock candy (swallowed in chunks) and bread crusts,
and highly acidic foods such as freshly squeezed lemon juice or
vinegar. The rough-textured foods crape the infected tissue off
the throat an into the stomach, where the digestive juices will
dissolve it; the acidic foods also "burn off" the infection
and thus soothe the inflamed tissue.
DEHYDRATION
Is caused by a lack of fluid in the body. Under ideal circumstances,
the body produces enough fluid to sustain life on its own; we
drink to satisfy thirst, not to prevent dehydration. This when
a person exhibits the sighs of dehydration (flaking of skin, falling
hair, dry eyeballs that refuse to blink, etc.), do NOT give the
patient additional fluids! Given enough time, the body must learn
to produce these fluids itself! Ingesting fluids into the body
will only delay dehydration and prevent the body from developing
its own natural defenses!
DIARRHEA
Diarrhea is caused by too many soft, liquidy foods finding their
way into your digestive system. Unchecked, it can lead to dehydration.
It may be cured quickly and cleanly by eating quantities of solid
foods, or foods with stiffening ingredients like pectin, such
as: fibrous breads, apples, cruciferous vegetables like broccoli
and cauliflower, etc. ( see: BISALICYLATE ANTITOXIDENE.)
FEVER
The saying goes, "Feed a cold, starve a fever." In this
case, "starving" refers to not giving a fever what it
wants: warmth. A person suffering from an elevated temperature
(anything above
98.6 when take with an oral thermometer, above 99.6 when take
with a rectal thermometer, 97.6 when take with a nasal thermometer,
or 84.3 when take with an outdoor thermometer) should be immersed
in ice water until the fever breaks.
FLATULENCE
Properly treating flatulence, whether in man or beast, requires
diagnosing the source of the offensive odor. Obtain a sample of
the gaseous matter (any simple container, such as a paper bag,
will suffice). Place your gas spectroscope (you do still have
that old gas spectroscope out in the barn, don't you?) in front
of a lit alcohol lamp or Bunsen burner. Burn the gas on the flame
and observe the spectra readout and treat with the appropriate
solution:
- Apples 'n Brown Sugar-Cinnamon (treatment:
Sodium Bicarbonate)
- Excess Acid or Excess Carbon Dioxide
(treatment: Nitrabylocynine)
- Caramel (treatment: Quinine)
- Meaty Byproducts (treatment: Bisalicylate
Antitoxidene)
- Lentils (treatment: Aminophyllic Citrate)
HEART ATTACK
One of the most feared sicknesses of all time, heart attack is
the result of a sickly constitution. Preventive medicine is best.
A healthy constitution must be fomented by a varied, healthy diet.
Eat plenty of rare red meat, liver, pork, eggs cream, cheeses,
and fried foods; supplement this with homegrown vegetables such
as potatoes, corn and peas; pure white bread for liver; and fruits
when available (however, be warned: fruits may contain worms and
other impurities and should only be eaten sparingly).
In the event of a heart attack, the victim may feel shooting pains
in the left arm and centralized pain in the chest. The patient
should immediately grasp the wrist to feel the pulse, breath shallowly,
turn pale, sweat, and say, "Oh, no! I'm coming, Esther!"
over and over in order to stay awake. Crumpling to the floor is
optional. After a period of panic, bed rest is prescribed, accompanied
by heavy dosages of self-recrimations for an unhealthy lifestyle.
HEARTBURN
Esophagitis, a burning sensation of indigestion that manifests
itself in the upper abdomen. Antacids may be used to alleviate
the symptoms temporarily, but in chronic cases, an esophagotomy
may be required. This surgery s best performed in a hospital or
barber shop.
HEMORRHOIDS
Also known as "piles," characterized by a swollen mass
of varicose veins in the rectum, which sometimes protrudes in
a manner resembling grapes, and... you don't really want to hear
this, do you? Good, because I'm getting just a wee bit nauseous
talking about it.
Balms and ointments applied to the area may offer symptomatic
relief; however, for longer-lasting relief, a change of diet is
prescribed. Chronic constipation can result in hemorrhoids, thus
the same dietary considerations for that condition may alleviate
hemorrhoids. The rule of thumb is, don't strain. Take it easy
when voiding. If you sit there, it will come.
KIDNEY "STONES"
Small, hard, jagged stones or collections of improperly metabolized
minerals, often calcium, but sometimes other materials, such as
Pez. They can range in size from a peppercorn to a small pitted
cherry, and may often be passed without any discomfort save that
as a man might experience while birthing a baby through his penile
member.
Chronic production of kidney stones may indicate kidney or liver
dysfunction, and the long-term treatment involves dietary restrictions
on foods with any mineral content. This may mean no dairy products
whatsoever, which are calcium-rich, as well as the exclusion of
many meats and vegetables. The most painful dreary consideration
may be to completely eliminate one's intake of tofu, another calcium-rich
food. Many have chosen to learn to live with kidney stones rather
than succumb to their inability to properly digest tofu.
LACERATIONS
A catchall phrase generally referring to a cut or injury to the
skin. Once upon a time, lacerations were attended to by cleansing
the skin thoroughly and stitching the skin together to minimize
scarring. However, although we still look favorably y upon cleansing
lacerations to avoid infection, we are now enlightened enough
to realize that scars, far from being objects of scorn and derision,
are symbols of fortitude and life experiences. Rare and rivaled
is the man who has no scars to show for his life on this earth;
therefore, we no linger stitch scars unless they appear life-threatening.
Should you wish to draw attention to particular nasty laceration,
a pat of mercurochrome is always a nice decorative touch, and
the application of peroxide to the laceration, whit its resulting
fizzing and bubbling, always makes for and impressive show of
endurance.
MEASLES
A viral infection causing a spotty red rash, fever, runny nose,
sore eyes, cough, and possibly additional complications, Untreated
(or improperly treated) measles can cause encephalitis, a dangerous
and sometimes fatal inflammation of the brain.
There is currently no treatment for measles in our stage of scientific
development, other than pushing fluids and taking aspirin, so
just sort of count on encephalitis.
MUMPS
Another acute viral infection (collect the whole series!), usually
confined to the child hood years. Mumps are characterized by inflammation
and swelling of the salivary glands and, in teenage and adult
males, swelling of one or both testes.
Fortunately, complications are rare, and one bout with mumps confers
future immunity. Analgesics are dictated but there is no specific
cure known at this time. The only long-term side effect is the
social stigma of walking around looking like you're storing nuts
for the winter in your cheek pouches. It is not unusual to be
given nicknames such as "Squirrel cheeks," "Dizzy,"
or "Brioche Face" while thus afflicted, and these nicknames
may endure for years, causing embarrassment and ridicule that
may endanger psychological health during the crucial adolescent
years.
Just something to look out for.
NAUSEA
The sensation of wanting or needing to vomit. While nausea itself
is not an illness or disease, but rate a symptom, nausea can be
treated with Bismuth Subsalicylate. When a patient becomes nauseous,
do attempt to determine the cause of the underlying illness. It
is interesting to note that although man is not the only creature
to experiences nausea, man IS the only creature to feel a need
to "kneel before the porcelain goddess" first in order
to make the offering.
POISON IVY, POISON OAK, POISON SUMAC
Three species of plants that are both poisonous f take internally
al also liable to cause allergic reactions if touches.
Identifying the plants may go a long way towards preventing accidental
exposure. Poison ivy and poison oak have three leaves in a cluster;
poison sumac has a row of paired leaflets. Of course, this could
describe any of thousands of nonpoisonous common plants, so the
only surefire way of determining whether a particular plant is
poisonous or not is to rub some briskly on an unimportant, unused
part of the body (the head would probably be appropriate in this
case).
First-aid consists chiefly of cleansing the affected area, swabbing
with alcohol and then with calamine lotion. Wash any clothing
that may have come in contact with the plant. People with extremely
sever or unsightly reactions to poison ivy, oak or sumac should
probably be sterilized so as not to pass on this allergy to the
next generation.
POX
A collective term for any of a number of infectious diseases resulting
in blistery, weeping skin eruptions (such as chicken pox). However,
it is also used to refer to a disease also called "syphilis,"
inaccurately known as the "love disease" since it seems
to be passed on primarily by outhouse seats with inadequate openings.
PREGNANCY
A temporary, usually nonfatal condition involving a parasitic
embryo, a host female, and a disinterested third party (usually
a father). The embryo attaches itself to the inside of the females'
uterus and fees off of her blood and other bodily fluids, growing
very rapidly, much like a tapeworm, only rounder. Fortunately,
the parasite usually detaches itself
(See: KIDNEY STONES for a description of the pain involved in
this process.) within 8-9 months, after which its parasitic tendencies
become largely financial in nature.
Fortunately, we now know that pregnancy is entirely preventable
simply by staying home on Friday and Saturday nights.
PSORIASIS & DERMATITIS
Psoriasis is a specific skin condition in which epidermal cells
are manufactured faster that normal and not allowed to mature,
resulting in an excess supply of immature skin cells which flake
off rather that hang around and finish school. It may also cause
heartbreak.
Dermatitis is a general term for any nonspecific inflammation
of the skin, attributable either to allergies or unknown causes.
Eczema, seborrhea, and dandruff are all examples of dermatitis.
Fish oil is believed to help alleviate both psoriasis and other
dermatitis's, but many would rather live with the condition that
walk about smelling of mackerel.
RABIES
An acute viral infection oft the nervous system, usually fatal,
often passed on t humans through contact with animal saliva. There
is no current treatment for rabies.
One of the most commonly acknowledged symptoms is the engrossing"foaming
at the mouth" bit. This symptom is highly overrated. The
foaming is no big deal; it's not a big frothing mass like a bubble
bath. In fact, it's quite subtle, a thin foam resembling creme
fraiche or a light hollandaise. By the time you've spotted it,
it's usually too late. Cut and run.
SCIATICA
A pain that radiates up and down the sciatic nerve (primary nerve
of the leg.) Spinal injuries are the most common reason for sciatica,
though it may also be caused by tumors, abscesses, blood clots,
or simply by incorrect posture. Treatment consists of bed rest
and analgesics; they symptoms usually disappear within a few days.
Sciatica, being one of those conditions little understood by the
general public, is an excellent excuse to stay home from work.
"My sciatica's acting up again" is a colorful and quaint
complaint, and since the average Joseph has no idea whether or
not it's contagious, he's likely to grant you a respite from work
until you are better. (Rabies is also a splendid excuse to stay
home from work, but generally only works once.)
SUNBURN
This is simply inflammation due to excess exposure to the sun.
These days, the risk of sunburn may easily be lessened by using
what's called a "sun block." Tar, molasses, white oil
paint and most laxatives, either singly or in combination, make
effective sun blocks.
Should you forget to bring your bucket of tar to the beach, sunburn
may be soothed with an application of calamine lotion. Alternatively,
a rubefacient applied to ate areas NOT affected by sunburn will
at least spread out the discomfort..
SUNSTROKE
Also results from overexposure to direct sun, usually afflicting
those who are unaccustomed to host temperatures. Sunstroke (and
other heatstroke's) are life endangering f not treated promptly,
as the body's heat regulating mechanisms break down and allow
the body to literally overheat.
Fast treatment consists of wrapping the patient, naked, in a cold,
wet sheet. Douse the sheet continuously with extra water, or repeatedly
sponge the victim with cold water. Force-feed the victim quiescently
frozen confections. Continue until ht patients' internal temperature
registers 101 degrees on a recta thermometer.
WARTS
Contagious but harmless growths on shin or, occasionally, on mucus
membranes.
Warts can be froze off or picked off (be sure your fingernails
are clean), but the most effective treatment for removing or "fetching"
a wart sit that prescribed by Samuel Clemens involving stump water
and a dead cat at midnight. See: TOM SAWYER.
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