You May Be on a Bad First Date if…
Not only is she a little young, but you’re pretty sure you used to date her mother.
You find out her name used to be Vinnie and you were in Little League with “her.”
Her moustache is thicker than yours.
When you pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract.
You jokingly ask her if she wants to go to Vegas to get married and she says leaving the state would violate her parole.
Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.
You leave her front door with the roses you brought her shoved up your ass.
She says, “You’re the first man I’ve dated who isn’t a cousin!”
On the way home, she hands you a health clinic coupon good for a free shot of penicillin.
She beats the crap out of some guy who made fun of your haircut.
When you drop her off at her house and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.
You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh.
She stares at you all through dinner and then asks if you want to meet Satan.
She is better hung than you.
She constantly complains that her cat won’t stop laughing at her.
She informs you that you can’t go out again because her spirit guide doesn’t like you.
She informs you that you can’t go out again because her boyfriend doesn’t like you.
She informs you that you can’t go out again because her husband doesn’t like you.