42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
Borrow money from pessimists; they don’t expect it back.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Duct tape is like "The Force." It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Every time I enter a singles bar, I hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up; you don't know where it's been!"
Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Families are like fudge: mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit and drink beer all day.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Half the people you know are below average.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am having an out of money experience.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
I don’t approve of political jokes; too many of them get elected.
I don’t need to do drugs anymore; I now get the same effect just by standing up fast.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I live in my own little world. But it’s okay; they know me here.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt that said, “Guess,” so I did: “Implants?”
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don’t succeed, don’t take up skydiving.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If carrots are good for the eyes, why are there so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport “the terminal?”
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
If you can remain calm, you don’t have all the facts.
If you don’t like my principles, I have others.
If you lend someone money and never see him again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It only seems kinky the first time.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It’s always darkest before the dawn, so if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the best time.
It’s hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
It’s more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It’s said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
It’s so great to get married and know that you’ve found that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Just my luck: I got a sweater when what I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner.
Just remember...if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Marriage changes passion; suddenly you’re in bed with a relative!
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber instead of the toy.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easy to live with.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never squat with your spurs on.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants!
Okay, so what’s the speed of dark?
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea!”
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Some days you’re the bug, some days you’re the windshield.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius... because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with by returning for what you forgot.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
There are two sides to every divorce: yours and shithead’s.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Timing has much to do with the success of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
When you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
When you’re swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray!
Why do psychics need to ask your name?
Why do we choose from just two people for President, but fifty for Miss America?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
You can’t have everything, where would you put it?
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
From You've Got Laughs! Al Lowe's Book of Internet Humor
© 1998 - 2010 by Al Lowe • All Rights Reserved • Updated June 16, 2011