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Why Soldiers
Should Be Over 50

The Armed Forces only accepts those younger than 35. They've got it backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds to fight, they should send old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're over 35. Why?

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex every 15 seconds, leaving more than 28,000 additional seconds per day per recruit to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky and grumpy. A cranky and grumpy soldier is a dangerous soldier.

If old guys can't kill the enemy, they could complain them into surrender. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal bottle of beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink beer. On the other hand, the average old guy has consumed 26,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35. A jaunt through the desert with a backpack and an M-60 would do wonders for his beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early just because we can (and to steal the neighbors' newspaper).

If an old guy got captured, he couldn't spill the beans because he'd forget them. Name, rank and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys; they're used to being screamed at. Plus, they actually like soft food.

Old guys already have a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. They like them almost better than naps.

But the Army would have to lighten up on the obstacle course. Besides, there's not a single 20-foot wall with a rope hanging over the side in the entire desert.

And Drill Sergeant would have to be retrained: "Now, mister, drop down and give me... er... one!"

They could eliminate the running part. That's a waste of good energy. No one has ever outrun a bullet anyway.

Remember the joke about the two bulls standing on a hill looking down at a herd of cows? The young bull said, "Let's run down there and make love to one of those cows." The old bull replied, "Let's walk down there and make love to all those cows!" Patience is something most 18-year-olds simply do not have. And for good reason. An 18-year-old has his whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, to learn that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and to learn that a 200-watt 15-inch woofer in the back seat of a Honda will rupture an eardrum. These are all good reasons to keep our sons at home to learn more about life before sending them off to war.

Let us old guys track down the dirty, rotten, filthy cowards who attacked our country. The last thing they'd want to see right now is a million old guys with attitudes!