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I’m going fishing.

I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

Let’s take your car.

Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.

Woman driver.

Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.

I don’t care what color you paint the kitchen.

As long as it’s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or ny other color besides white.

It’s a guy thing.

There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

Can I help with dinner?

Why isn’t it already on the table?

Uh huh Sure, honey Yes, dear.

Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response like Pavlov’s dog drooling.

Good idea.

It’ll never work. And I’ll spend the rest of the day gloating.

Have you lost weight?

I’ve just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.

My wife doesn’t understand me.

She’s heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.

It would take too long to explain.

I have no idea how it works.

I’m getting more exercise lately.

The batteries in the remote are dead.

I got a lot done.

I found Waldo in almost every picture.

We’re going to be late.

Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.

Hey, I’ve read all the classics.

I’ve been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.

You cook just like my mother used to.

She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.

I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.

I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.

Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.

I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

That’s interesting, dear.

Are you still talking?

Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.

I forgot our anniversary again.

You expect too much of me.

You want me to stay awake.

It’s a really good movie.

It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.

That’s women’s work.

It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.

Go ask your mother.

I am incapable of making a decision.

You know how bad my memory is.

I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.

The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

Football is a man’s game.

Women are generally too smart to play it.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.

I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.

I do help around the house.

I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.

Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.

And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

I can’t find it.

It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.

What did I do this time?

What did you catch me at?

What do you mean, you need new clothes?

You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.

She’s one of those rabid feminists.

She refused to make my coffee.

But I hate to go shopping.

…because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.

No, I left plenty of gas in the car.

You may actually get it to start.

I’m going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.

I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.

I heard you.

I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.

You know I could never love anyone else.

I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

You look terrific.

Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.

I brought you a present.

It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.

I missed you.

I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.

I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.

No one will ever see us alive again.

We share the housework.

I make the messe, she cleans them up.

This relationship is getting too serious.

I like you more than my truck.

I recycle.

We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.

Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.

Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?

It sure snowed last night.

I suppose you’re going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.

It’s good beer.

It was on sale.

I don’t need to read the instructions.

I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

I’ll fix the garbage disposal later.

If I wait long enough you’ll get frustrated and buy a new one.

I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant.

Someplace that doesn’t have a drive-thru window.

I broke up with her.

She dumped me.

Will you marry me?

Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.