Twelve Days of Christmas
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldnt have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtledoves. Im just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Oh, arent you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I dont deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... youre just too kind.
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but dont you think enough is enough? Youre being too romantic.
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. Youre just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So youre back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I cant sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Whats with you and those birds? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? Theres bird crap all over the house and they never stop the racket. Im a nervous wreck and I cant sleep all night. ITS NOT FUNNY. So stop with the birds.
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? Its not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is cow poop all over the lawn and I cant move in my own house. Just lay off me. SMART-ASS!
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now theres nine pipers piping. And man do they pipe. They havent stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
Youll get yours,
You Rotten Dick:
Now theres ten ladies dancing - I dont know why I call those women ladies. Theyve been with those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows cant sleep and theyve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of cow dung. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldnt be condemned. Im sicing the police on you. They know where you are.
One who means it,
Whats with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again.
Those pipers ran through the maids and are now after the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope youre satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Miss Agnes McCallister
From the law offices of Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy-Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar