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Thoughts on Sex

“A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.”

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.” – Joan Rivers

“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“A man in the house is worth two in the street.”

“A man is only as old as the woman he feels.” – Groucho Marx

“A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.” – Rudyard Kipling

“A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.”

“Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.”

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” – Robert De Niro

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams

“Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex.” – Barbara Cartland

“An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.” –Aldous Huxley

“Any piece of clothing can be sexy with a quietly passionate woman inside it.”

“As a young man I used to have four supple members and one stiff one. Now I have four stiff and one supple.” – Henri, duc d’Aumale

“As the French say, there are three sexes: men, women, and clergymen.” – Rev. Sydney Smith

“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.” – Mae West

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” – Oscar Wilde

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“But seduction isn’t making someone do what they don’t want to do. Seduction is enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do already.”

“By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

“Chanel No. 5.” – Marilyn Monroe, when asked what she wore to bed

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” – Barbara Bush, former US First Lady

“Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It’s much sexier than any body part.” –Aimee Mullins

“Contrary to what New York taxi drivers think, oral sex does not mean shouting sexual insults at the guy in front of you.” – Lewis Grizzard

“Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.” – George Bernard Shaw

“Do you know why Mike Tyson cries when he makes love? Mace!” – Lewis Grizzard

“Does it really matter what these affectionate people do, so long as they don’t do it in the streets and frighten the horses!” – Mrs. Patrick Campbell

“Don’t knock masturbation; it’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen

“Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.”

“During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.”

“From the moment I was six I felt sexy. And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it.” – Bette Davis

“Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.” – Saint Augustine

“God gave us a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at the same time.” – Robin Williams

“Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.” – Jimmy DeMaret

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” – Woody Allen

“Hell, if I’d jumped on all the dames I’m supposed to have jumped on, I’d have had no time to go fishing.” – Clarke Gable

“His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.” – Phyllis Diller

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” – Tiger Woods

“Homosexuality is God’s way of insuring that the truly gifted aren’t burdened with children.” – Sam Austin

“I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.” – Woody Allen

“I believe we should get sex out of the pulpit and back in politics where it belongs.” – Lewis Grizzard

“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.” – George Burns

“I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine – we were both crazy about girls.” – Groucho Marx

“I don’t see much of Alfred since he got so interested in sex.” – Mrs. Alfred Kinsey

“I don’t think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing.” – Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh

“I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.” – Rita Rudner

“I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.” – Lewis Grizzard

“I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody’s.” – Woody Allen

“I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“I haven’t had that many women, only as many as I could lay my hands on.” – Dudley Moore

“I know nothing about sex because I was always married.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“I married beneath me, all women do.” – Nancy Astor

“I never hated a man enough to give back his diamonds.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.” – J. Edgar Hoover

“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher; they’re going to make a board game out of it” – Woody Allen

“I started out to be a sex fiend, but I couldn’t pass the physical.” – Robert Mitchum

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx

“I’m always looking for meaningful one-night stands.” – Dudley Moore

“I’m looking for Miss Right, or at least, Miss Right Now.” – Robin Williams

“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.” – Woody Allen

“I’m too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don’t know.” – Garry Shandling

“If a man speaks deep in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?”

“If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.” – Dorothy Parker

“If it weren’t for pickpockets I’d have no sex life at all.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many how to books on it?” – Bette Midler

“If sex were oil, I’d be about a quart low.” – Lewis Grizzard

“If the devil were to offer me a resurgence of what is commonly called virility, I’d decline. ‘Just keep my liver and lungs in good working order,’ I’d reply, ‘so I can go on drinking and smoking.’” – Luis Bunuel

“If you aren’t going all the way, why go at all?” – Joe Namath

“In America sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it is a fact.” – Marlene Dietrich

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.” – Woody Allen

“Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me.” – Mae West

“It doesn’t matter how good it was, if you end up worrying or regretting it, it was bad sex.”

“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” – George Burns

“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.” – Joan Rivers

“It’s better to be looked over than overlooked.” – Mae West

“It’s not the men in my life that counts – it’s the life in my men.” – Mae West

“It’s not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on.” – Marilyn Monroe, asked if she really posed naked

“It’s the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.” – Tallulah Bankhead

“Kinky is when you use duck feathers in making love. Perverted is when you use the whole duck.” – Lewis Grizzard

“Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, ‘What’s the matter, you can’t think of anybody either?’.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.” – Camille Paglia

“Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.” – Ambrose Bierce

“Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.” – Woody Allen

“Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.” – Woody Allen

“Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.” – M. Hirschfield

“Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

“Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.”

“Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.” – Mae West

“Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.” – George Bernard Shaw

“Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And women think, ‘How can he want me the way I look in the morning?’ It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.” – Andy Rooney

“My brain is my second favorite organ.” – Woody Allen

“My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet.” – Bill Kelly

“My kid had sex with your honor student.” – bumper sticker

“My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” – Jack Nicholson

“My sexual preference is ‘not you’” – T-shirt

“My wife is a sex object; every time I ask for sex, she objects.” – Les Dawson

“My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.” – Jack Benny

“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Never marry a woman who has an extensive knowledge of nautical terms and can tie over 200 knots.” – Lewis Grizzard

“Never say no.

“No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered, take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.”

“Oh Lord, give me chastity, but do not give it yet.” – St. Augustine

“Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.” – Michael Sinz

“Relative humidity? That’s how much you sweat when making love to your cousin.” – Lewis Grizzard

“Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.” – Woody Allen

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” – Robin Williams

“Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.”

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” – George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." – George Burns

“Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman.” – Woody Allen

“Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.”

“Sex is emotion in motion.” – Mae West

“Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.”

“Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.”

“Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.”

“Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. YES is the answer!”

“Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.” – Steve Martin

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant.” – George Burns

“Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.” – W. C. Fields

“Sex just hasn’t been the same since women started enjoying it.” – Lewis Grizzard

“Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.”

“Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble – John Barrymore

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damned good.” – Woody Allen

“Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home. I’m tired.” – Mae West

“That [sex] was the most fun I ever had without laughing.” – Woody Allen

“The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.” – Lynn Lavner

“The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.” – Brendan Francis

“The greatest gag of all time is the French tickler.” – Lewis Grizzard

“The nice thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to dress up for it.” – Truman Capote

“The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.” – Woody Allen

“The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform.” – Dr. Alfred Kinsey

“The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.” – Anonymous

“The state has no place in the nation’s bedrooms.” – Pierre Trudeau

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.” – Lynn Lavner

“There are no good girls gone wrong, just bad girls found out.” – Mae West

“There is definitely something sexy about a girl with an attitude and a pair of leather pants.” – Eliza Dushku

“There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.”

“There is no remedy for sex but more sex.”

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” – Dustin Hoffman

“There’s nothing wrong with men lusting all the time for beautiful women, as long as we are housebroken. Constant desire keeps men mentally occupied and out of trouble. We must have our sexual fantasies, ladies. Otherwise, we’ll be even more enslaved to sports on the tube than we are now. Trust me on this.” – Bill O’Reilly

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked’.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Too much of a good thing is wonderful.” – Mae West

“Virginity can be cured.”

“What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.”

“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.” – Mark Twain

“When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.” – Frederick Ryder

“When I’m good, I’m very, very good, but when I’m bad, I’m better.” – Mae West

“Women might be able to fake orgasms but men can fake a whole relationship.” – Sharon Stone

“Women must be the only sex with ESP, because they always know if men are going to get laid.” – Lewis Grizzard

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” – Billy Crystal

“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.” – Elmo Phillips

“You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.” – Drew Carey

“You mean apart from my own?” – Zsa Zsa Gabor, when asked “How many husbands have you had?”