Things You Shouldn't Say During Sex
A good plastic surgeon could take care of that!
A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
And just think: I didn’t even have to buy you dinner!
And they say romance is dead. (in a janitor’s closet)
And to think I was really trying to pick up your friend!
Are those real?
Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?
But everybody looks funny naked!
But I just brushed my teeth…
But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.
But whipped cream makes me break out.
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
Did I mention the video camera?
Did I remember to take my pill?
Did I tell you my aunt died in this bed?
Did you come yet?
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
Do you accept Visa?
Do you get any premium channels?
Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
Do you mind if I take this call?
Do you smell something burning?
Does this count as a date?
Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
Don’t mind me, I always file my nails in bed.
Don’t worry, my dog’s really friendly …for a Doberman.
Got any penicillin?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
Hey, when’s it my friend’s turn?
Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober.
How long do you plan to be “almost there?”
I have a confession to make…
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
I think biting is romantic.
I think you have it on backwards.
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!
I want a baby!
I was so horny tonight, I would have taken a duck home!
I wish we got the Playboy channel….
I’ll bet you didn’t know I work for “The Enquirer.”
I’ll tell you who I’m fantasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about...
I’m gonna need another beer to get through this.
I’ve slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
If you quit smoking, you might have more endurance.
Is that a hanging sculpture?
Is that a Medic-Alert pendant?
Is that blood on the headboard?
Is that you I smell?
Is this a sin?
Is this your first time? Yeah. Today.
It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate!
Keep it down; my mom’s a light sleeper...
Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.
Maybe you’re just out of practice.
My old girlfriend used to do it a lot longer!
No, really. I do this part better myself!
Now I know why she dumped you.
On second thought, let’s do turn off the lights.
Oprah Winfrey had a show about you.
Pass the remote.
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, no means no!
Please understand that I’m only doing this for the raise.
Put that blender back in the kitchen!
Should we call Dr. Ruth?
Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!
So much for mouth-to-mouth.
So much for the fulfillment of my sexual fantasies….
So that’s why they call you Mr. Flash!
Sorry about the name tags; I’m not good with names.
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
That leak better be from the waterbed!
They’re not cracker crumbs, it’s just a rash.
This would be more fun with a few more people.
Try breathing through your nose.
Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Try not to smear my make-up.
Waddaya mean, you’re not my blind date?
Were you repressed as a child?
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
When is this supposed to feel good?
When would you like to meet my parents?
Why am I doing all the work?
Will you still vote for me?
You don’t sweat much for a fat girl!
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
You look younger than you feel.
You woke me up for that?
You’re almost as good as my ex-!
You’re good enough to do this for a living!
From You've Got Laughs! Al Lowe's Book of Internet Humor
© 1998 - 2010 by Al Lowe • All Rights Reserved • Updated November 24, 2010