Things To Do While Ordering Pizza
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Tell the order-taker, "Stop doing that!"
2. Make up a credit card company. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo whenever possible.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "And remember: we never had this conversation!"
6. Tell the order-taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going to go with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address and then exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer every one of their questions with a question.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these words for bonus points: "robust, free-spirited, cost-efficient, Ukrainian, puce."
11. Tell them you want the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets CD."
13. Refuse to name your toppings. Instead, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for products only available from their competitor. (e.g., If phoning Domino's, ask for a "Cheeser! Cheeser!")
17. Ask what the order-taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, and then act as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you want drinks, panic and act disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Ask him to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every sentence.
24. Order "52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation I will dictate to you." Ask if they have paper and pencil.
25. Act like you know the order-taker from somewhere. "Was it bedwetters' camp?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . .". Pause, slap yourself, and then say, "No, I don't."
27. After they repeat your order, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the second window."
28. Ask if you can "Rent a pizza?"
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Order your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say, "Are you sure this is [Pizza Place]? When they say yes, say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, [Pizza Place], cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. As you speak, move the mouthpiece farther and farther away from your lips.
35. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream "GOODBYE!!" at the top of your lungs.
36. Tell them you want them to double-check that your pizza is, in fact, dead.
37. Imitate the order-taker's voice.
38. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
39. When they say, "What would you like?"—say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
40. Play a sitar in the background.
41. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise her.
42. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
43. Ask to see a menu.
44. Quote Carl Sandberg.
45. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
46. Ask "Do you have any idea what is at stake with this pizza?"
47. Ask "What topping goes best with a well-aged Chardonnay?"
48. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed of itself.
49. Order one slice instead of a whole pizza.
50. Shout, "I'm through with (wo)men! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
51. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who is this?"
52. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
53. Ask their phone number. Hang up, call them again, and ask again.
54. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
55. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
56. Call to complain about service. Later, call back to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
57. Tell the order-taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor that he's fired.
58. Report a petty theft to the order-taker.
59. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
60. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
61. If the order-taker suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet, sweet words."
62. Wonder aloud if you should trim your nose hairs.
63. Talk while drinking a glass of water.
64. Start the conversation with "'My Call to [Pizza Place],' Take 1, and. . . action!"
65. Ask if the pizza was organically grown.
66. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
67. Be vague in your order.
68. Ask if you can get your pizza with a service contract.
69. When they repeat your order, say, "Once more, and this time how about a little more OOMPH?!"
70. Every few seconds throughout the order, press 9-1-1 on your touchtone phone.
71. After ordering, say, "I wonder what this button on the phone does." Hang up while screaming.
72. Simulate a cutoff. Just before they hang up, resume talking as if nothing happened.
73. Start the conversation with today's date, followed by, "This may be my last entry."
74. State your order and then say, "That's as far as our relationship is going to get!"
75. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
76. Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
77. Detect the order-taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
78. When listing the toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
79. Play a blues riff on your harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
80. Sing your order like a blues singer. Extra credit for blues harmonica fills.
81. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
82. Impersonate a celebrity. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
83. Put them on hold.
84. Teach the order-taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
85. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat.'"
86. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they can respond.
87. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"
88. When you're given the price, say, "Oooooooh, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
90. Order a one-inch pizza.
91. Order term life insurance.
92. When they say, "Will that be all?", snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"
93. Ask if any dolphins died to make your pizza.
94. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
95. Avoid saying the word "pizza" at all costs. If the order-taker says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."
96. Cue up a movie good car chase scene. Play it loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" whenever a bullet is fired.
97. If they suggests a side order, ask, "Why are you punishing me?"
98. Verify that your pizza has had its shots.
99. Order your pizza steamed.
100. Get order-taker's name. Then, every hour exactly on the hour, call him back and say, "This is your wake-up call, [name]" and then hang up.
101. Ask if you can pay for your pizza with a public flogging.
102. If any of the above suggestions are rejected by your order-taker, say in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."