Things That Never Happen on Star Trek

The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered before.

The Enterprise checks up on a remote outpost of scientists and finds they are perfectly all right.

The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called "Paradise," where everyone is happy all the time. However, strangely enough, everything is soon revealed to be—exactly as it seems.

The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a silly hat.

The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is immediately discovered in its well-stocked sickbay.

An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise’s computer, only to learn that it has neglected to bring the right cable.

A power surge on the bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly trained and competent 24^th-century engineering staff.

The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.

The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.

The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.

The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.

A power surge on the bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24^th-century surge protection feature called a “fuse.”

The Enterprise encounters a strange alien craft, but has plenty of power to outrun it.

The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence, which is easily pacified with candy.

The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in some way unconnected with the 20^th century.

Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn’t explode or crash.

A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately there are plenty of other ships in the area and they are able to deal with it to everyone’s satisfaction.

During a fierce battle, the shields on the Enterprise stay up.

The Enterprise visits the Klingon home world on a bright, sunny, day.

An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, “would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant.”

A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him there.

Picard hears the door chime and doesn’t bother to say “Come.”

Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.

Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise’s hails.

Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi’s position.

Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, “Did he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He’s mine!”

Picard doesn’t answer a suggestion with, “Make it so!”

When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range, no one says, “On screen!”

Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the Holodeck. (It’s too bad this wasn’t done in “Déjà vu,” because then we could have seen it five times without rewinding the tape.)

Picard walks up to a replicator and says, “Coke on ice.”

Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.

Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).

The warp engines start acting up a bit, but then seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.

Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive. They then work better than ever.

Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.

Guinan forgets herself and breaks into his stand-up comedy routine.

Data falls in love with the replicator.

Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits and isn’t tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less-advanced people, which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

An unknown ensign beams down as part of an Away Team and lives to tell the tale.

Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences spoken to him.

Kirk (or Riker) meets an attractive woman and does not fall in love.

Kirk’s hair remaining consistent for more that one consecutive episode.

Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn’t rip his shirt.

Kirk doesn’t get into a single fistfight.

Kirk doesn’t end up kissing the troubled female guest before she doesn’t sacrifice herself for him.

Scotty never mentions the laws of physics.

Spock isn’t the only crewmember not affected by some new weapon or attack by some alien race due to his “darn green blood” or “bizarre Vulcan physiology” and thus, he cannot save the day.

The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock’s inability to understand a joke and he doesn’t raise his eyebrow!