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The New Who's On First?

Particularly funny if you remember Abbott & Costello's "Who's on First?" routine.

Abbott

Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. May I help you?

Costello

Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den and I'm thinking of buying a computer.

Abbott

Mac?

Costello

No, the name is Lou.

Abbott

Your computer?

Costello

I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

Abbott

Mac?

Costello

I told you, my name is Lou.

Abbott

What about Windows?

Costello

Why? Does it get stuffy?

Abbott

Do you want a computer with Windows?

Costello

I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

Abbott

Wallpaper.

Costello

Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

Abbott

Software that runs on Windows?

Costello

No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

Abbott

Office.

Costello

Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

Abbott

I just did.

Costello

You just did what?

Abbott

Recommended something.

Costello

You recommended something?

Abbott

Yes.

Costello

For my office?

Abbott

Yes.

Costello

Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

Abbott

Office.

Costello

Yes, for my office.

Abbott

Office for Windows.

Costello

I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

Abbott

Word.

Costello

If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?

Abbott

Word.

Costello

What word?

Abbott

The Word in Office.

Costello

The only word in office is office.

Abbott

The Word in Office for Windows.

Costello

Which word in "office for windows?"

Abbott

The Word you get when you click the blue W.

Costello

I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer.  Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

Abbott

RealOne.

Costello

Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

Abbott

RealOne.

Costello

If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four.  Can I watch reel four?

Abbott

Of course.

Costello

Great! With what?

Abbott

RealOne.

Costello

Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie.  What do I do?

Abbott

You click the blue 1.

Costello

I click the blue one what?

Abbott

The blue 1.

Costello

Is that different from the blue W?

Abbott

Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

Costello

What word?

Abbott

The Word in Office for Windows.

Costello

But there's three words in "office for windows!"

Abbott

No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

Costello

It is?

Abbott

Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

Costello

And that word is the real one?

Abbott

No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.

Costello

Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

Abbott

Money.

Costello

That's right. What do you have?

Abbott

Money.

Costello

I need money to track my money?

Abbott

No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

Costello

What comes bundled with my computer?

Abbott

Money.

Costello

Money comes bundled with my computer?

Abbott

Exactly. No extra charge.

Costello

I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

Abbott

Just one copy.

Costello

I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

Abbott

No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

Costello

Microsoft can license you to make money?

Abbott

Why not? They own it.

Costello

Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

Abbott

Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

Costello

Well, what do you sell in its place?

Abbott

Money.

Costello

You sell money?

Abbott

Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

Costello

That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

Abbott

Simply Accounting.

Costello

Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

Abbott

If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

Costello

M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

Abbott

Mind Your Own Business.

Costello

I beg your pardon?

Abbott

No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

Costello

Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know—Accounting? You do it with money.

Abbott

Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

Costello

More money?

Abbott

More than Money. Money can't do everything.

Costello

I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word?  Crash.  And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

Abbott

GoBack.

Costello

Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

Abbott

GoBack.

Costello

How many times do I have to repeat myself?

Abbott

I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

Costello

How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back.  What do I need to write a proposal?

Abbott

Word.

Costello

But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

Abbott

No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.

Costello

But there's three words in... Oh, never mind!

Abbott

Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. May I help you?