The Art of the Fart
The art of the fart is practiced by many, but perfected by few. Perfecting requires a symphony of foods and bodily functions. This guide will teach you the methods and mindset of the world’s leading fartologists.
1. Your mood plays a major role. Negative attitudes accomplish nothing. When it’s release or hold time, repeat again and again, “Just let it happen. It’s okay.”
2. Diet is a heavy influence. If you’re a grazer (or vegan) you’re on your way. If you are older and require shat assistance like prune juice, you have a good start. But the real winner is the average North American male. Sunday is nationwide prime time for farts; not just plain farts, but cream-of-the-crop, wake-up-the-neighbors farts. Why? Look at the typical American male’s diet: peanuts, chips, beer, i.e., fart city! So, evaluate your diet, remove foods that do not assist your farting, and focus on those that do.
3. Largely unexplored scientifically are the fart position and location. These can make or break a fart, taking it from a discouraging whimper to a world-class ground shaker. A master pianist would never perform standing, nor a trombonist lying down. Farting is no different, requiring proper positioning that best maximizes the bodies ability to expel gas. Proper fart location sets the stage and adds emotion: amusement farts in an elevator, excited farts on the bus and challenging farts in church.
The Leg Lift Position
Stand upright with a slight curve to the back, lift either leg to the side (never to the front) and allow the fart event to escape. This enables you to expel quickly and accurately in-between floors. The leg lifter’s signature is the smile of glee on their face as they exit the elevator, just as some poor soul unknowingly enters.
Pros: The joy of guessing how many floors your unknowing victims must endure. High buildings that you will never visit again are excellent choices for The Leg Lift.
Cons: Sometimes, after a successful execution, you leave the elevator, the unknowing victims enter, and then realize you’re on the wrong floor and must re-enter the same elevator. Bad call.
The Throne Position
Sit, squat or bend down into a crouched position. Some of the world’s most fermented, catastrophic farts were achieved using The Throne. Caution: your brain associates this position with a lack of bodily control.
Pros: Incredible leverage, capturing the fart’s true potential.
Cons: Similar to taking a shit, which may confuse the mind, causing dire consequences. Do not try The Throne while wearing a new suit en route to a job interview!
The Wal-Mart Position
Many have reported this position’s successful creation of brown air. While shopping, locate a desired purchase on a lower shelf in an unoccupied aisle. As you squat and lift, the magic happens. That additional weight can create awe-inspiring aroma. Weight lifters doing squats after a heavy meal know well how weight affects one’s fartage potency and volume.
Pros: Narrow aisles may cause farts to linger for hours. May affect dozens of innocent shoppers.
Cons: Eager aisle-changers may surprise you, causing the painful “mission abort” procedure.
The Power Arch Position
Lean on your hands on a countertop or table while arching your back, The Power Arch is excellent for department store customer service counters, Radio Shack stores while examining overpriced keychain flashlights, or supermarkets where no one knows you.
Pros: The arched back allows your power conduit to fully open. Less conspicuous than The Throne.
Cons: In a small apartment, power arching may be deadly, causing carpet, wall ceiling and relationship damage.
All positions and locations have advantages and disadvantages; it is the duty of an aspiring fartmaster to leverage the situation and environment. With thoughtful planning you can start the day with a Power Arch in the library; do a Leg Lift at the food court; and end your day with a satisfying Throne in the car on the way home. Remember, it’s all about position, location and that “can-do” attitude!
Types of Farters