Democracy, American Style
|
The government promises to give you two cows, if you vote for it. After
the election, the president is impeached for speculating
in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate,"
but supports the president. The cow sues you for breach
of contract. Your legal bills exceed your annual income.
You settle out of court and declare bankruptcy.
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Democracy, American Style
|
You
have two cows. The government taxes you to the point
you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign
country who has only one cow, which was a gift from
your government.
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American Corporation
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You
have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself
and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force
the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement
to the analysts stating you have downsized and are
reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
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American
Corporate Farming |
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four
cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow
dropped dead. |
Bureaucracy
|
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed
them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not
to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks
the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it
requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing
cows.
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Bureaucratic Socialism
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You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn
with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken
farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the
government took from the chicken farmers. The government
gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say
you should need.
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Communist
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You
have two cows. The government seizes both and provides
you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
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Applied Communism
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You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government
takes all the milk.
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Counterculture
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Whoa, dude, there’s like...uh, two cows, man. Uh, like, you have really
got to do some of this milk, like, fer shure, it’s
awesome, man.
|
Democrat
|
You
have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty
for being successful. You vote people into office that
put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to
raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for
then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your
neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings
for you.
|
Republican
|
You
have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
|
Anarchy
|
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your
neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
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Communism
|
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you
all share the milk.
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Democracy
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You have two cows. All your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
|
Socialism
|
You
have two cows. The government takes one and gives it
to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him
how to manage his cow.
|
Pure Socialism
|
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn
with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of
all the cows. The government gives you as much milk
as you need.
|
Fascism
|
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care
of them, and sells you the milk.
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Dictatorship
|
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
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Feudalism
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You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
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Anarcho-Capitalism
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You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
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Militarism
|
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you into the
army.
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Representative Democracy
|
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets
the milk.
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European Democracy
|
You have two cows. At first the government
regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk
them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that
it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours
the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill
out forms accounting for the missing cows.
|
British Democracy
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You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The
government doesn't do anything.
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German Corporation
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You
have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond,
drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and
run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they demand
13 weeks of vacation per year.
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French Corporation
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You
have two cows. You go on strike because you want three
cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.
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Italian Corporation
|
You
have two cows but you don't know where they are. While
ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break
for lunch. Life is good.
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Japanese Corporation
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You
have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth
the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times
the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded
trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
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Singaporean Democracy
|
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping unlicensed farm
animals in an apartment.
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Enron Capitalism
|
You have two cows. You sell
three of them to your publicly traded company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general
offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred
via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly
owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights
to all seven cows' milk back to your listed company. The
annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an
option on one more. Repeat as necessary until you have
$62 billion in assets, then declare bankruptcy. |
Cambodian Communism
|
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
|
Mexican Democracy
|
You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots you and sends the
cows to Zurich.
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Florida Corporation
|
You
have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for
the best looking one. Some of the people who like the
brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people
vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people
can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch
of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking
one.
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New York Corporation
|
You
have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which
one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some
fat cow from Arkansas.
|
Polish Corporation
|
You
have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and
killed attempting to milk them.
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Political Correctness
|
You are associated with (the concept of ‘ownership’ is a symbol of the
phallo-centric, warmongering, intolerant past two differently
aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified
gender. You are torn by feelings of guilt, your psychotherapist
recommends a treatment center. You spend six weeks
there, paid for by the community health plan, and graduate
into Guilty Anonymous.
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Russian Communism
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You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government
takes all the milk.
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Russian Corporation
|
You
have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them
and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You
count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop
counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You
produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last
3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however
many cows you really have.
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Taliban Corporation
|
You
have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You
don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's
private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb
blew them up while they were in the hospital.
|
Iraqian Corporation
|
You
have two cows. They go in hiding. They send radio tapes
of their mooing.
|
Dubai |
You have
two cows. You create a website for them and advertise in all
magazines and Cable TV. You create a Cow City or Milk Town.
You sell off their milk before the cows are milked, to both
legit and shady investors, who hope to resell the non-existent
milk for a 100% profit in two month time. You bring Bill Clinton
and Tiger Woods to milk the cows to attract attention. |
Qatar |
You have
two cows. They've been sitting there for decades and no one
realizes that cows can produce milk. You see what Dubai is
doing; you go crazy and start milking the heck out of the
cows, in the shortest time possible. Then you realize no one
wanted the milk in the first place. |
Saudi |
Since milking the
cow involves nipples, the gov't decides to ban all cows in
public. The only method to milk a cow is to have the cow at
one side of the curtain and the guy milking the cow on the
other side; or to hire females and train them to milk the
cows ... the debate is still going on. |
Bahrain |
You have two cows.
Some high gov't official steals one, milks it, sells the milk
and pockets the profit. The gov't tells you there is just
one cow and not enough milk for the people. The people riot
and scream death to the govt and carry Iranian flags. The
Parliament, after thinking for 11 months, decide to employ
ten Bahrainis to milk the remaining cow at the same time to
cut back on unemployment. |
Lebanon |
You have
two cows. One is owned by Syria, the other by the Lebanese
gov't, both are milked by Syrian Laborers during their free
time as informers. |
Egypt |
You have two cows.
Both vote for Mubarak! |
Totalitarianism
|
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed.
Milk is banned.
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California Happy Cows
|
Crowd
herd of happy fun loving cows into a small dirt lot.
Feed cows weeds. Hire Hollywood to show commercial
of happy cows in green pastures. Smoke weed left over
from cow feeding. Make millions selling "Happy Milk."
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Surrealism
|
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
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