Democracy, American Style

The government promises to give you two cows, if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate," but supports the president. The cow sues you for breach of contract. Your legal bills exceed your annual income. You settle out of court and declare bankruptcy.

Democracy, American Style

You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

American Corporation

You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2^nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

American Corporate Farming

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

Bureaucracy

You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Bureaucratic Socialism

You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

Communist

You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

Applied Communism

You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Counterculture

Whoa, dude, there’s like...uh, two cows, man. Uh, like, you have really got to do some of this milk, like, fer shure, it’s awesome, man.

Democrat

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

Republican

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

Anarchy

You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

Communism

You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Democracy

You have two cows. All your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Socialism

You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

Pure Socialism

You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

Fascism

You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Dictatorship

You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Feudalism

You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Anarcho-Capitalism

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Militarism

You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you into the army.

Representative Democracy

You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

European Democracy

You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for  the missing cows. 

British Democracy

You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

German Corporation

You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

French Corporation

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

Italian Corporation

You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

Japanese Corporation

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

Singaporean Democracy

You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

Cambodian Communism

You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Mexican Democracy

You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.

Florida Corporation

You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

New York Corporation

You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

Polish Corporation

You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

Political Correctness

You are associated with (the concept of ‘ownership’ is a symbol of the phallo-centric, warmongering, intolerant past two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender. You are torn by feelings of guilt, your psychotherapist recommends a treatment center. You spend six weeks there, paid for by the community health plan, and graduate into Guilty Anonymous.

Russian Communism

You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Russian Corporation

You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10^th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

Taliban Corporation

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

Iraqian Corporation

You have two cows. They go in hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

Dubai

You have two cows. You create a website for them and advertise in all magazines and Cable TV. You create a Cow City or Milk Town. You sell off their milk before the cows are milked, to both legit and shady investors, who hope to resell the non-existent milk for a 100% profit in two month time. You bring Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods to milk the cows to attract attention.

Qatar

You have two cows. They've been sitting there for decades and no one realizes that cows can produce milk. You see what Dubai is doing; you go crazy and start milking the heck out of the cows, in the shortest time possible. Then you realize no one wanted the milk in the first place.

Saudi

Since milking the cow involves nipples, the gov't decides to ban all cows in public. The only method to milk a cow is to have the cow at one side of the curtain and the guy milking the cow on the other side; or to hire females and train them to milk the cows ... the debate is still going on.

Bahrain

You have two cows. Some high gov't official steals one, milks it, sells the milk and pockets the profit. The gov't tells you there is just one cow and not enough milk for the people. The people riot and scream death to the govt and carry Iranian flags. The Parliament, after thinking for 11 months, decide to employ ten Bahrainis to milk the remaining cow at the same time to cut back on unemployment.

Lebanon

You have two cows. One is owned by Syria, the other by the Lebanese gov't, both are milked by Syrian Laborers during their free time as informers.

Egypt

You have two cows. Both vote for Mubarak!

Totalitarianism

You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

California Happy Cows

Crowd herd of happy fun loving cows into a small dirt lot. Feed cows weeds. Hire Hollywood to show commercial of happy cows in green pastures. Smoke weed left over from cow feeding. Make millions selling "Happy Milk."

Surrealism

You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.